I can actually vibe quite bigly and be very animated/engaged, but at the end of the day, I am an introvert, and a certain amount of mental recharge time is absolutely 100% required or my mind will stop working right.

What I mean by that is, if I am continuously exposed to the presence of “incompatible” human beings (the “compatible” ones seem to be a subset of people with ADHD / ASD / mood disorders), I will literally start showing symptoms similar to dementia, I will progressively lose my ability to speak and understand language, I will eventually start having (boring) hallucinations, etc. All of this is reversible if I am subsequently left the fuck alone, though the cognitive effects can persist for weeks or months after a bad episode.

In part because I do tech work which requires keeping a lot of information in mind at once, the above issue renders me unable to work during acute burnout, and unable to predict when or how much I’ll be able to work during chronic (but not acute) burnout.

Because of this, I am (by some definitions) homeless, don’t control my living environment, don’t even fully control my diet for various reasons, etc. I’m actually writing this post as a tangent from looking up diabetes warning signs and discovering I have a number, all consistent with each other, all of which slowly got worse at the same rate over the last 5 years of chronic burnout. This is a result of not being able to control my diet or my exercise level (wayyy too fatigued from overstim most of the time).

But it’s all, 100% of it, a carryover effect of not being able to get enough solitude that my mind can self-regulate sufficiently to be able to do paying work on a regular basis.

I lost my home a few years into the burnout and wound up bouncing thru a series of friends. Every single household had human factors that drove me into burnout. It’s people who don’t know how be still, who are always Doing Something even if they are sitting still - I can never stop perceiving them or being “on guard” in a house with them. It grinds me right down to the bone and then some. Anyway it was just dumb luck of the draw - some percentage of the population I can live with just fine. 3 years into this phase I ended up in an area that’s very sprawly, did get a car for a while but not one I’d trust to take more than 10 or 15 miles, you should have seen this deathtrap, it was like a sitcom car, and anyway it died last year. So, I can’t just walk to town and work at McDonald’s or whatever. Camping options (uninhabited woods) exist but camping in them is illegal (which I’ve done on a couple desperate occasions).

I’m not entirely sure why I’m even posting this, other than to say I made a friend diagnosed with ASD a few years back who has a very similar symptom profile to me, but who is even more sensitive than me, and trapped like this with her own family. I know y’all are out there. You’re valid. I know you’re trying even if you’ve been so goddamn tired your eyeballs could melt for a month, 6 months, a year, 3 years.

I don’t know about you, but I literally just need to be left the fuck alone and I will be fine, and able to pull myself out of the hole in 6-12 months. But that’s the problem, this is America, nobody gets that kind of runway unless they’re rich (or young and middle class with nice and/or indulgent family).

I don’t need to be alone, but with 4 alcoholics having a rager in the rest of the house.

I don’t need to be alone, but with occasional random people in and out of the house.

I don’t need to be alone, but for only 24 total hours each week in irregular intervals.

I need to be able to access solitude / the company only of people who don’t fixate my attention with their human presence, whenever I need, for as long as I need. Period.

Anyway, I’m legit thankful to live in a society where this is even fucking possible. I’m in North America and I know how to tickle computers. I’ve been on my ass for a literal decade, but if anybody can finagle a way back from it, it’s me.

There are a lot of people who started off like I did - lower middle class with bright parents - and who ended up like I did, who beat themselves up relentlessly over it. I went to support groups and I saw how bad they hurt. Fortunately I don’t have that problem, but I like to keep myself from developing it by doing shit like meditating, and watching videos of South Asian metalworking factories where dudes pour molten steel into molds while barefoot, and don’t wait for the dust to settle in the lead oxide ball mill tumbler before opening the door and taking in a nice big lungful.

Eh, that’s probably enough for now. I see you and love you, obligate introverts.

  • SenalEnglish
    2·
    6 months ago

    It’s not considered bad , but it is a distraction, there’s supposed to be no communication between attendees.

    It’s supposed to be full introspection, afaict.

    Don’t know if its the same in all places but men and women were completely separate in the one I went to.

    Even if you went with your wife you’d not really be there with her, you’d be two people in the same place at the same time, not communicating.

    It’s not really a relaxing holiday kind of place.

    • themeatbridge@lemmy.world
      1·
      6 months ago

      It’s not considered bad , but it is a distraction,

      Then why is it on the list of horrible things? The list doesn’t mention communication, and in fact specifically prohibits lying. That suggests that speacking truly is permitted, and this is a list of bad things. Killing, stealing, lying, drugs and alcohol, and sex.

      That’s a list someone makes when they don’t approve of sex (or intoxicants, but that’s another conversation).

      • NationProtons@sh.itjust.works
        2·
        6 months ago

        I think the actual rule is: ‘no sexual misconduct’ aka rape, harrasment, etc.

        Many of the rules are simplified for the course of 10 days. (easy to have no sexual misconduct if you have no sexual activities at all)

        Same with the rule ‘No talking’. The actual rule is ‘Don’t speak harsh words, lies, or deception’. Which is again much easier if you simply don’t speak at all.

      • SenalEnglish
        1·
        6 months ago

        TL;DR;

        The rules might be considered a list of “immoral things” but in my experience it was treated more as a list of “distracting things”, YMMV.

        Then why is it on the list of horrible things?

        You mean the list specifically titled “precepts” ?

        It does indicate that it’s a list based on what is considered “moral conduct” so i suppose it could be considered a list of “Immoral” things.

        I personally read it as “Rules and Guidelines to prevent distraction during the process”.

        While i don’t personally prescribe to that kind of moral absolutism i was willing to adhere to the guidelines for a short period to experience the process in it’s intended form.

        Attendance isn’t mandatory so people will have to make that call for themselves if they are considering going.

        The list doesn’t mention communication, and in fact specifically prohibits lying. That suggests that speacking truly is permitted,

        The section titled “Noble Silence” 4 paragraphs down, specifically goes in to the details of the non-communication i was referencing.

        and this is a list of bad things

        Not sure what you mean here, but hopefully i’ve covered it above.

        That’s a list someone makes when they don’t approve of sex (or intoxicants, but that’s another conversation).

        Very possibly and i’d guess it comes from the Buddhist origins.

        I will state that my experience is that it wasn’t preachy at all, the video recordings do reference some Buddhist stories/teachings but only really to use them as examples for teaching the meditation process.

        Given that you aren’t supposed to be communicating in general there is very little leeway in which preaching could occur.