I’m not quite sure how to say this without coming off as a jerk, but I don’t think it’s admirable that you want others to choose their own discomfort over yours.
Edit: Figured out a better way to say it: Please don’t come into an ADHD community and praise people for how normal they can be because you don’t like when they’re not normal.
I don’t think having symptoms is rude in the same way I don’t think being an amputee is rude or being depressed is rude. Putting that you feel undervalued on your partner because of their symptom is something I would, however.
For me, it’s draining the the point of not being able to do further mental effort for hours after. If you told me to give up my day to reassure, amuse, or otherwise tend to you, I’d tell you to take a hike.
I feel sorry for your wife for being looked down upon as rude for not being able to meet your standards and for not being partnered with somebody that can feel empathy for her.
It’d make more sense to compare it to another neurological disorder. Maybe BPD. One of the symptoms of bipolar disorder is impulse control.
If your partner is in a hyper manic state and keeps banging bar randos, that’s still disrespectful even if it’s a symptom of their disorder.
If they run up a credit card debt because it causes them tremendous mental effort to not buy things on a whim, it’s still harmful.
Now you might get into a relationship knowing these are possibilities, but you’re still hurt and/or damaged by them. It would make sense for you to make rules about your partner trying to get help and curb the hurtful behaviors.
And my wife is awesome. I don’t look down on her at all, I just get hurt feelings when I can’t get through a story after trying multiple times. I also have ADHD and 9 out of 10 times my thought is long gone by the time she’s done interrupting me.
Is your wife doing it on purpose? If not, why do you get hurt by it? That seems like way more a you thing than a her thing because you’re placing unreasonable expectations on her to mitigate your negative emotions. The work of both changing her behavior (difficult) and managing your emotional state (impossible) are both put on her plate. That’s what I think is crappy about how you’re describing it. Using your BPD example, it would be like you handing your credit card to somebody in a manic episode and expecting no charges on it and then feeling betrayed and blaming that feeling on the other person when that expectation is unmet. Put a credit limit on the card. Do some CBT about your feelings.
So continuing the analogy, to “not hand my wife a credit card,” I need to stop having conversations with her? Speak in short sentences that are harder to interrupt?
Nah, we’ll keep trying to improve ourselves and keep communicating with each other.
Sorry if you don’t want to feel bad about interrupting people.
No, you need adjust your expectations. She’s going to interrupt you. Stop taking it personally. That’s your issue, not hers. And don’t act like ADHD is a moral failing with that “improve ourselves” ableist crap. It’s a disability, not merely an inconvenience. If you actually have ADHD that’s bad enough to be diagnosed and medicated, you should know solutions that require sustained effort will never work. If that is a new concept to you, please watch this video, save yourself some mental burdens and negative feelings, and have a better relationship https://youtu.be/4gdpvLQjdrE
Not doing this is one of the masking behaviors that drains me the most and why I hate being involved in conversations of 4 or more people.
Just letting you know that it’s very appreciated.
My wife interrupts a lot and after a while it can make me feel under valued.
I’m not quite sure how to say this without coming off as a jerk, but I don’t think it’s admirable that you want others to choose their own discomfort over yours.
Edit: Figured out a better way to say it: Please don’t come into an ADHD community and praise people for how normal they can be because you don’t like when they’re not normal.
Just because it’s part of your diagnosis doesn’t mean it’s not rude.
I’m not going to be like “man I love being interrupted. It really makes the conversation fun.”
I don’t think having symptoms is rude in the same way I don’t think being an amputee is rude or being depressed is rude. Putting that you feel undervalued on your partner because of their symptom is something I would, however.
For me, it’s draining the the point of not being able to do further mental effort for hours after. If you told me to give up my day to reassure, amuse, or otherwise tend to you, I’d tell you to take a hike.
I feel sorry for your wife for being looked down upon as rude for not being able to meet your standards and for not being partnered with somebody that can feel empathy for her.
It’d make more sense to compare it to another neurological disorder. Maybe BPD. One of the symptoms of bipolar disorder is impulse control.
If your partner is in a hyper manic state and keeps banging bar randos, that’s still disrespectful even if it’s a symptom of their disorder.
If they run up a credit card debt because it causes them tremendous mental effort to not buy things on a whim, it’s still harmful.
Now you might get into a relationship knowing these are possibilities, but you’re still hurt and/or damaged by them. It would make sense for you to make rules about your partner trying to get help and curb the hurtful behaviors.
And my wife is awesome. I don’t look down on her at all, I just get hurt feelings when I can’t get through a story after trying multiple times. I also have ADHD and 9 out of 10 times my thought is long gone by the time she’s done interrupting me.
Is your wife doing it on purpose? If not, why do you get hurt by it? That seems like way more a you thing than a her thing because you’re placing unreasonable expectations on her to mitigate your negative emotions. The work of both changing her behavior (difficult) and managing your emotional state (impossible) are both put on her plate. That’s what I think is crappy about how you’re describing it. Using your BPD example, it would be like you handing your credit card to somebody in a manic episode and expecting no charges on it and then feeling betrayed and blaming that feeling on the other person when that expectation is unmet. Put a credit limit on the card. Do some CBT about your feelings.
So continuing the analogy, to “not hand my wife a credit card,” I need to stop having conversations with her? Speak in short sentences that are harder to interrupt?
Nah, we’ll keep trying to improve ourselves and keep communicating with each other.
Sorry if you don’t want to feel bad about interrupting people.
No, you need adjust your expectations. She’s going to interrupt you. Stop taking it personally. That’s your issue, not hers. And don’t act like ADHD is a moral failing with that “improve ourselves” ableist crap. It’s a disability, not merely an inconvenience. If you actually have ADHD that’s bad enough to be diagnosed and medicated, you should know solutions that require sustained effort will never work. If that is a new concept to you, please watch this video, save yourself some mental burdens and negative feelings, and have a better relationship https://youtu.be/4gdpvLQjdrE
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