A few weeks ago I was having a conversation with my therapist and he pointed some things that about me: mainly that my sense of socializing and bonding is feminine, I don’t like making friends even though I like having friends I don’t like the process of acquiring them, and because of that I don’t really have many hobbies or much of a sense of self. My therapist explains to me that the average heterosexual male bonds with fellow males through shared experiences and activities like playing pool, we’re doing construction.
And then this got me reflecting on the whole concept of hookup culture. What if it’s the average male that can only really bond with other men through shared experiences and activities like having sex? And my demisexuality makes me fundamentally incompatible with like 90% of all gay men, so on top of how hard romance is for me for other reasons, it is now 10 times harder?
This is a hyper generalization I know but it’s kind of bothering me that I have no one else to talk to about it.
As a transfem I can say with certainty that I have had the same experiences. I’m not saying you should transition, I’m only saying that the behavior you’ve described doesn’t fit a masculine stereotype. This is good, because gender roles are for the straights.
At the same time, there is something to be said for male socialization taking away some forms of emotional expression that could harm your ability to connect to other people. If you come across as stoic or quiet or overly self-conscious, you’re seen as someone who dislikes people. Obviously you aren’t, but this is a perception I struggle with as well. Arguably this difficulty in making friends isn’t a queer issue at all, it’s just a personality thing that you can work on by building confidence and doing more therapy.