I’m (m29) reeling from a string of breakups that has left me feeling hollow inside. Whenever I have any moment of spark, it’s immediately put out by “I’m just going to break their heart or they will break mine”. The last 3 years I had 5 relationships that lasted at least 3 months, and the last one (oddly enough just 6 weeks) was the one where I felt I finally cracked the code.

I’m a horrible people pleaser (who doesn’t please people), so being honest in communication was a struggle. I’d be in relationships that I knew were sour in the first week, but I could never find the words or work up the courage to say anything until it erupted into a mess. The last one I had, she told me I deserve to be heard and that I don’t have to be left guessing on the state of the relationship. I cried when she said that. I finally felt like the last Russian doll was opened and I wasn’t hiding anything. Then it fell apart. I still don’t know why, or maybe I do, but I held on to some hope that we could reconnect this year until last night when I texted her to see where she was at and she told me she wasn’t interested in being friends.

I’m glad she gave me that answer to hopefully help me move on, but I just can’t seem to. That relationship ended in November, and it’s the end of February, but I just still numb to the prospect of seeing someone else. It’s not the good kind of numb either, it’s a broken heart numbness. I want to stop thinking about her.

I almost had a one night stand with a friend, but then panicked as a flashback of a S.A. episode hit me out of nowhere, but my friend took that as me not caring about her and now she won’t talk to me.

My other friend who I have a business connection with came over last night to hang out, but it was clear she also wanted to be intimate. I didn’t want to be cold, but I don’t want to hurt her either by starting something that will end in pain. I mixed business and pleasure once before and I will never do that again, and I’m not interested in being intimate with this one either.

I downloaded the apps to try and maybe get the ball moving, but each person I just think about what their face would be if (and I can’t help but thing “when”) we broke up.

It’s been 10 years of heartbreak it feels like. I don’t know if I can love. I don’t know if I ever really did, I just know that I’ve felt heartbroken most of the time one way or another.

Anyway if anyone has tips on how to feel again, I’d appreciate that.

Also I covered OK GO’s “Needing/ Getting” on my shitty phone recorder as my lil’ way of grieving. Music is a life saver.