we’ve been no contact with my family on and off for a while - we were able to use covid and my daughter’s premature birth as a scapegoat (which honestly was a worry anyways), but we’ve been starting to try and attend family events more now that my parents have grandkids other than my own kids. Having more in-laws and grand kids has seemed to help them mellow out a bit.
To over simplify, my mom and I’ve never gotten along. I know I have a lot of blame for that from when I was a kid / teenager, and I think my mom has some unresolved challenges of her own from her dad abusing her as a kid. That being said, as a Father of a few kids myself, the idea of my kids eliminating their relationship with me kills me inside, and I gotta think my mom feels similarly - I hope so at least. I’ve tried reaching out a few times a few different ways, trying to talk about things I know she loves - old Abbott and Costello movies, good food, baseball, etc. I feel like I’m talking to a wall - and at family events we do go to, she wont talk to me. I try to, and she’ll respond with a smile, but she wont actually talk to me. Often at family shin digs (family pictures, birthday, holiday dinner) I wont get a word out of her. I can’t tell if she’s scared of me or if she just doesn’t care.
This latest attempt kind of stung - I stuck my neck out and transparently stated I wanted to spend some quality time together. I’m trying not to read into it too much, but it seemed like time with me was a chore - which when I look back at any interactions we have, I can see that could be her perception. I want to get this to work. I’m not sure what to try next, I’d really love to have a good relationship with my mom. I’ve genuinely apologized for my actions as a kid a number of times, and I’ve been consistenly trying things like this in person or over messages for a few years now. I’m kind of at a loss.
You shouldn’t have to apologise for your behaviour as a child. You were a child, she was a parent. If anything your childhood behaviour is to some extent HER responsibility.
From what you’ve said, it sounds as if you’re bending over backwards trying to repair your relationship while your mum is being stubborn & petty. If it were me, I’d make a final attempt to reach out and explicitly say that I am desperately trying to mend our relationship, but it seems as if she isn’t interested in doing that… and if that’s the case, can she just be upfront about it so you can both move on.
This, a thousand times this. You were a child and it was never your responsibility to be anything but one.
If apologizing to your parents for your behavior as a child doesn’t scream childhood emotional neglect, I don’t know what does.
The fact that mom is still blatantly neglecting OPs emotions, too.
To be fair he did say teenage behavior, and I know I said and did some truly awful shit as a teenager. My parents sacrificed a ton for me, and I was just a petty and ungrateful brat tweeting shit like “a homeless man would be a better dad”
Makes me sick just typing that out and knowing that at one point, I said it with my chest.
I’ve definitely gone to my parents and apologized for the fucked up stuff I said and some of the worse things I did. Because sometimes it is the kid.
I was depressed, and dealing with undiagnosed anxiety but that’s not an excuse to say hateful, cruel things, probably just because they said no to going to the mall or something.
I’m 27 now and my dad and I are just starting to get back to having a normal relationship where we talk about things other than like, my taxes or my car maintenance. We can chat now, and talk like a father and daughter.
So in regards to OP…idk what his situation was but maybe the apology was warranted. But for her to still be digging her heels in…yeah it might be time to just lay it out and be like “Hey, I really want to mend our relationship. Are you interested in doing that? Because if you are not I would rather know so that we can both find peace.”
Dude, that’s not that bad. Your parents were being oversensitive adults if that can’t understand a situation wherein a teen would legitimately feel that way about their parents.
I told my dad that I’m too much like him and it makes me suicidal. I meant it when I said it. We still have a healthy relationship.
I think you’re beating yourself up too much, and your parents sound like they’re indifferent to your suffering.