I really don’t feel like existing anymore. I’ve been dealing with suicidal thoughts for years now. I used to be 50%50 on killing myself. One hand it’s such a liberating thought. If I died then it will all be over and all my problems or go away but on the other hand I what if something good happens to me in the future? or what about all the other things I already enjoy?.
Sometimes I think things can get better but other times I think, how? I feel like I wasn’t designed for life. Life is a game that I’m losing no matter what. A game didn’t even choose to play btw. I feel beat down all I want to get myself a big box of pizza, a bunch of booze and overdose on cocaine.
I also feel much slower than the average person. While there’s a lot of people who seem to be able to navigate problems faster than me, there’s also a lot of people who can generate a lot of problems quicker than me, too. Slow people have that going on: when things are getting bad fast, it’s nice to have slow and steady people around.
Consider what you might tell someone who was slower than you. I know I’d be nicer to them than I tend to treat myself. I’d tell them that everyone matters. And I mean it. They see and experience the world in a unique way that matters.
For example, maybe they can see the bottlenecks and roadblocks in a system better than anyone else, because they are more impacted by / sensitive to it. That seems very valuable.
It may require a change in environment to be realized. To expand on your car race metaphor, maybe the problem is thinking it’s all a car race when somewhere out there, there’s something that needs to be steamrolled and a Lamborghini just won’t do.
All easier said than done, I know. The world now seems to love speed, but we’ll never know if we could have experienced being a fully self-actualized steamroller if we don’t try. Writing this for myself, too.