My mother has a partially shame based operating system. She uses self shame as a motivational tool that increases her executive function, e.g. she manages to diet by responding to the part of her that tells her to eat chocolate with shame for wanting chocolate. She avoids the chocolate and goes on with her life.
She tried to install that same operating system in me. Due to my shame sensitivity it paralyzed me and left me unable to function. Instead I would spiral in shame and self hatred for my inability to do what she wanted me to do, even though I wanted to do it too.
My system actually works pretty well with love as motivation instead of shame. It just took me 15 years of intensive commitment to inner work to unravel the shame.
My mother has a partially shame based operating system. She uses self shame as a motivational tool that increases her executive function, e.g. she manages to diet by responding to the part of her that tells her to eat chocolate with shame for wanting chocolate. She avoids the chocolate and goes on with her life.
She tried to install that same operating system in me. Due to my shame sensitivity it paralyzed me and left me unable to function. Instead I would spiral in shame and self hatred for my inability to do what she wanted me to do, even though I wanted to do it too.
My system actually works pretty well with love as motivation instead of shame. It just took me 15 years of intensive commitment to inner work to unravel the shame.
Thank you for putting words to that, even if I am tearing up at work