I (40M) love my wife (35F) very much. She makes me smile every day. Even days when I’ve been mad at her, she still made me smile at some point.

Her childhood was…bad. Her family situation is still bad. She’s recently gone no-contact after toeing the line for a long time.

Our physical relationship has always been a little weird. She doesn’t like being touched by anyone, and while I’m obviously an exception I can also tell it’s still uncomfortable for her. But more than that I crave the type of gentle touch that she dislikes the most.

And while we’ve had plenty of sex over the course of our relationship, she is now at a point in therapy and recovery where she feels comfortable saying that she simply isn’t interested. Maybe she never was. She’s still figuring that all out.

I know she loves me and she knows I love her. And we’ve talked about this. She has tentatively okayed me getting what I need elsewhere, as long as I keep her informed.

But that was a while ago now. And I have no idea how to even begin with that.

If I’m being completely honest, if it were legal where I live, I’d pay for a girlfriend experience once in a while and continue on with my happy marriage. I just need the feeling that I haven’t been touched in months to get resolved 😥

So I guess I’m asking how would you handle being a 40yo man exploring some form of polyamory for the first time who wants to be doted on a bit?

  • ArbitraryValue@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
    111·
    2 months ago

    Are you really ok with a relationship in which your wife doesn’t want to touch you? I’m your age and I recently ended a long-term relationship with a woman who also made me smile often. It was very difficult for me to do that because I enjoyed her company and even more so because I didn’t want to hurt her, but ultimately I decided that a relationship where I wasn’t getting and probably never would be getting something I needed didn’t work for me even if it was a good relationship in many other ways.

    I’m not telling you to end your relationship. It’s possible that your relationship is still the right one for you. However, the compromise you’re proposing here wouldn’t make most other people happy if they were in your situation. Make sure that you’re being honest with yourself. If I had been honest with myself, I would have ended my relationship years earlier than I did and that would have been better both for me and for my ex.

    • touchstarved@lemmings.worldOPEnglish
      8·
      2 months ago

      I can say with 100% certainty that if I had a steady supply of physical affection from another source, I’d be satisfied.

      My wife makes me feel loved in many other ways. It’s just that touch isn’t one of them for her. Maybe it will be again, but it’s not right now and that’s okay.

      We’re not planning on having kids for a bunch of different reasons, but if I ever do, I want her to raise them.

      And it’s not that she doesn’t want to touch me at all. It’s that I crave a particular kind of affection that she can’t provide. We still hold hands, and hug, and really anything in area of “squeezing” is generally a good feeling for her. But delicate touch, both giving and receiving, isn’t possible.

      I’ve personally never felt like physical intimacy needs to be inextricably tied to sex on the one hand or emotional attachment on the other. Getting a massage feels good, right? It’s just…an extension of that thinking, I guess.

      I would give up just about anything for my wife and I want to continue to build our life together. I’m fine getting this one thing somewhere else if I can.

  • RBWells@lemmy.worldEnglish
    1·
    13 days ago

    Would literal massage therapy be a possibility? In general there really is a lack of intimate, nonsexual touching in the world. It used to be more common and that was problematic in its way (people assuming they can touch you). But massage is good and some styles gentle, it might be healing for you.

    I’m a lady but no sex and nothing physical would be a no go for me. That is a best friend & roommate (which is a good relationship too) but not a spouse. Poly might be ok if you are very, very, very satisfied and your love radiates outward and pulls others in, it’s not a great way of filling gaps.

    What does your wife want in a romantic relationship? What does she want from you, and what does her perfect marriage look like?