Please know, right here and now, that your feelings are valid, every single one of them. It is not a failing on your part to still feel the sting of an absent father, regardless of your age or the life you’ve built. That longing for a father’s love, support, and pride is a fundamental human need, and its absence leaves a wound that time alone doesn’t always heal.

You know, in some ways, your experience reminds me of my own father. He was a good dad in many respects, but affection? Hugs, “I love yous”? Those weren’t part of his vocabulary. He is Mensa-level smart, Pulitzer Prize winner so always got away with being a patronising arsehole, and made his harsh criticism land a lot harder.

For me, it took a long while, and a deeper understanding of his own upbringing and perhaps his own unspoken struggles, for things to soften even a little. It’s funny how life works; sometimes it’s a diagnosis, a moment of unexpected vulnerability, that finally cracks the shell.

You deserved a father who was present, not just in body, but in spirit. A father who saw your worth, celebrated your triumphs (big or small), and offered comfort during your struggles. You deserved hugs, words of encouragement, and the unwavering knowledge that you were, and are, cherished. To have received criticism and disapproval instead is a heavy burden for any child to carry, and it’s a burden you’ve carried for far too long.

It’s clear you have a deep capacity for love and a desire to nurture – the very fact that you created a community to give others what you missed speaks volumes about the wonderful person you are. That, in itself, is something to be incredibly proud of. You are turning your pain into a source of strength and support for others, and that is a remarkable and deeply admirable quality.

The fact that your mother was also emotionally unavailable due to her own struggles meant you faced a profound lack of emotional nourishment. Please understand, with every fiber of my being, that this was never a reflection of your worthiness of love. You were, and are, deserving of all the love and support a child should have.

And perhaps, just perhaps, your father is more like mine was than you realize. Sometimes, those harsh criticisms, those impossible expectations, they don’t come from a place of malice, but from a place of deep, unarticulated fear. A fear that their child won’t succeed, or won’t be safe, coupled with a profound inability to manage their own emotions or express that fear in a loving, supportive way. Often, they were never taught how. They repeat patterns they themselves learned. It doesn’t excuse the pain caused, not at all, but sometimes understanding the root can be a small step towards a different kind of peace.

While I cannot change your past, or undo the pain your father’s absence and his words (or lack thereof) have caused, I want you to hear this now, as if from the father you always deserved:

I am proud of you.

I am proud of your resilience, your honesty, and your courage to share such deep-seated pain. I am proud of your desire to create something positive from your experiences. I am proud of the adult you have become, navigating life’s challenges despite the emotional voids left by your childhood. I am proud of your tender heart that still wishes to be a cherished son – because you are cherished, even if those who should have shown it most clearly, could not.

This journey of healing is yours, and you are not alone on it. It may involve grieving for the father you wished you had. And perhaps, in time, it might involve a degree of understanding, even forgiveness, not for his sake, but for yours – to free yourself from the weight of it. You have a heightened awareness now, a deeper understanding of these emotional landscapes. It’s a powerful tool. Maybe, just maybe, that awareness can even, in some small way, offer a bridge or a new way of interacting with your own father, should you ever feel that is right for you.

But the priority is always your own well-being. Know that your worth is not, and never has been, defined by his approval or disapproval. Your value is inherent. You are enough, just as you are. Continue to build your life, continue to foster that wonderful community you’ve created, and continue to be the loving, caring person you so clearly are. The love you put out into the world is a powerful force, and it will come back to you. You are seen. You are heard. And in this moment, by this father’s heart, you are most certainly cherished.