cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ml/post/30568522

I’ve heard several stories about couples that suddenly stop having sex, start snapping at each other for stupid bs, your girlfriend who was so sweet and supporting becomes her mother, a raging, yelling psychopath, looking for excuses to be passive aggressive, inviting her friends back home when all you want to do is rest after your workday, your boyfriend, so passionate about you is suddenly cold towards you and wants to be left alone. Before having a child you were inseparable, now it’s like you hate each other and rant about your loved one with your friends…

I couldn’t survive such a radical personality change.

Does this phase eventually runs its course?

How do you find the mental fortitude to ignore the stupid bs your partner does or says?

How would you describe love to your partner a year after having a baby?

Is there any way to know if you and your partner are going to make it and remain a couple after having a child?

  • Libra00@lemmy.mlEnglish
    10·
    1 day ago

    Well I’m not sure which was the biggest shock, discovering that I have a partner or discovering that we’re having a baby. Both, as you might imagine, came as quite a surprise to an asexual man in his 50s who has never had a girlfriend. ;)

    • dingus@lemmy.worldEnglish
      6·
      1 day ago

      I don’t think I’ve ever really spoken to an older asexual on the internet before. I know it’s a tangent from the main OP, but do you think you could expand on some things for me?

      1. When did you realize that you were asexual? And how did you deal with it considering it’s a relatively new term that wouldn’t have really been spoken of when you were growing up.

      2. Do you find your life fulfilling? I have a social need, but not a sexual need, so it makes it frustrating knowing that I need people, but that a relationship with 99% of the population doesn’t make sense. (Yes, you can find other asexuals out there, but we are exceedingly rare and there are not going to be many, if at all, in your same city.)

      I’m younger than you, but not so young that my life as a whole is still being figured out or anything. I’m in my 30s and now secure in my career, but still struggle with social things and figuring out what I need for my life to be fulfilling. I’ve likely been a lifelong asexual. I’ve also never had a partner.

      Anyway, sorry if that is too much to ask lol, but I was just curious!

      • Libra00@lemmy.mlEnglish
        8·
        1 day ago

        Absolutely, I don’t mind at all.

        1. That’s complicated. I grew up in the 70s and 80s when there wasn’t a word for it, so I spent a lot of years just thinking I was broken/defective and hating the world as a result (I had some other stuff going on as well, medical problems and such, so I felt like I had just been dumped on and it was somehow the fault of the world and everyone in it.) Puberty was fuckin’ weird because my younger sisters and cousins and such kept bringing home boy/girlfriends and everyone would look at me like ‘Where’s yours?’ They did eventually stop asking questions, but the looks didn’t stop for a long time. I didn’t come across the word ‘asexual’ until maybe ~15 years ago, and even then it kind of took a while to realize that it was an accurate description. So… anywhere from puberty in the late 80s to maybe 10 years ago depending on definition? I kinda went from ‘I’m broken and unlovable’, to ‘This is just how I am and fuck anyone who has a problem with it’, to ‘Oh, there’s a word for that. Hi, I’m Libra and I’m asexual.’
        2. I do now. When I was younger I keenly felt like I was missing out on what everyone else took for granted, especially that life-partner thing, and I was depressed for many years as a result. What pulled me out of it and made me see the value of my life was two things. First, and this is kinda dark, but I got literally to the point of putting a gun in my mouth and realized that for whatever reason I just couldn’t do it. That left me no option but to find ways to make my life even marginally less unbearable because I had no escape, it immediately got rid of all the excuses I had used to not work on myself, my situation, etc. The second, and this might sound strange, was philosophy. I’ve long been a student of religion (but not a member of one since I was a teenager) and in my 30s I branched out into philosophy as well. There I came across the works of the absurdists like Camus, and the Myth of Sisyphus especially (though it took some time) was a big help. It made me realize that if there is no meaning inherent to anything then I get to decide what it all means to me. I had been deciding sort of subconsciously that life was a hateful, burdensome thing to be endured rather than enjoyed, but I could decide instead that even if I wasn’t leading the kind of life the people around me expected that I was still enjoying the moments, that I could even enjoy the struggle (‘The struggle itself … is enough to fill a man’s heart’). I slowly stopped being an angry, cynical asshole who hated the world and learned to embrace the things I did enjoy about life until I realized one day that that was most things actually. It also helped that I had a good friend for ~25 years who was basically a life partner without being a romantic partner, though he sadly died a few years ago. I still miss having someone to share my life with now sometimes, but most of the time I can fill that void with friends, community, and hobbies (I’m disabled so I have lots of free time for tabletop RPGs, gaming, reading, etc.)

        I’m still a little awkward in social situations too, but I’ve gotten much better about it, I’ll actually talk to total strangers in the store instead of being weirded out that someone I don’t know would talk to me, etc. I feel like I fake being a relatively normal, socially well-adjusted adult pretty well, to the point that most of the time I actually feel that way too. I have to imagine that the modern relatively easy access to therapy could speed that process along for most people, but I was born too early and was too poor/stubborn to try to get help so I had to bull my way through it on my own. It sucked, and it has had some lasting consequences that I hope others don’t ever have to go through, but at the other end if it I’m a pretty content person, which I guess is all that matters.

        I haven’t really talked with other asexual people (internet or otherwise) myself, so I welcome the opportunity to do so. In fact if you ever want/need someone to talk to about this stuff you are more than welcome to hit up my DMs (does lemmy have DMs? I’m still new here.)

        • dingus@lemmy.worldEnglish
          2·
          9 hours ago

          Thank you very much for sharing your story! I’m sorry to hear about your friend, btw. But I’m glad you got to share your life with them for so long. I’m lucky that I have a really good friend right now too at least! They have a family of their own so it’s not as if we can mutually prioritize each other to the same extent, but that’s ok.

          Omg I had the same experience during puberty lol. Even into my late teens and early twenties, my mom would kind of bug me about it. When I still wasn’t taking anyone home, she used to drop hints that it would be ok if I was a lesbian and had a girlfriend lol! Thankfully at this point, people stop bringing it up haha.

          Yeah I’m definitely working on trying to get rid of the FOMO at this point in time. I have a lot of great people in my life tbh and I’m trying to branch out and be a bit more social with things that scare me. But even if I do, I’ll never really have the “standard” human experience. Gotta figure out how to eventually be ok with that.

          I’m not a spiritual or religious person, myself. I briefly looked into Taoism, but it seems that the westernized idealized version of it isn’t what Taoism necessarily is in reality.

          Thanks for your offer to chat! Hope you don’t mind if I’m just giving a long winded response here lol.

          I found out about asexuality in my teens. Even today, whenever I approach asexual communities, I find that most of them are filled with very young coming of age people who are so extremely “terminally online” to the point where it makes me a bit uncomfortable. And I’m saying this as someone who is terminally online myself. It’s difficult to explain what I mean and I hope I am not offending other asexuals out there. But it’s refreshing to hear from your perspective, as an asexual in the “real world”, with thoughts, feelings, and experiences based more in reality as opposed to in an online hypersensitive safety zone.

          Hope the best for you!