Genres: Black Humor, Fantazy, Irony.
Type: Original story, but translated and edited with a translation software, 70-90% similarity to the original.
Strolling through the night streets of love, I nostalgically recalled the old days when you could carefree enjoy yourself with beautiful women and not be responsible for any bastards who might accidentally be born. Ah, what a wonderful time that was… But my mood worsened even more with the sudden appearance of Elsa, a waitress from the bar with whom I once had an affair. Oh, she was damn good in bed… And yes, she demanded child support for my bastard. I wanted to tell her to go to hell, but alas.
“Fuck,” I whispered.
“What, are you unhappy? Do you even know how hard it is for me to raise a child on my own?!”
Her words made my fists itch; I wanted to punch her in the face with all my might, but I had to calm down and give her the money.
If only that damn prodigy from the count’s family hadn’t been born, everything would have been fine…!
The thing is, five years ago, a new kind of magic appeared, thanks to which it is now possible to find people like me, or other criminals, using a specific genetic-magical code created by the count’s fucking five-year-old son, who was born from third wife, a former genius magician. For the third year now, there has been a special bureau for collecting alimony from those who have children out of wedlock, which is why I am forced to give almost my entire monthly salary to my five bastards. It’s a good thing I didn’t have a child with some noble lady…
“Good boy!” said Elsa, then opened the bag I had given her, took out the required amount, and threw the bag back into my hands, after that she walked away, swaying her luxurious ass.
Sighing discontentedly, I walked hundred meters or so and arrived at my favorite bar. Going inside, I sat down at a free table and ordered food and beer.
When the waitress brought my order, I immediately began to empty my beer mug, and a few seconds later, as the waitress was leaving, I shouted to her: “Another beer!”
“All right, sir!” she replied kindly and then moved on.
Damn, tomorrow I’ll have to do these tasks again with these lazy jerks…
Then I began to enjoy the taste of my favorite dish. It was baked wild boar meat with scrambled eggs made from three blue eggs, and all this splendor was topped with snayke’s sauce.
Damn, honestly, my mouth is watering right now. Oh well, whatever. When I had almost finished my plate, my old fried approached me, looking like a vagrant who hadn’t eaten in a long time. He had such sad, dead eyes, like a puppy abandoned by its owners on the street in a box, about to die of hunger.
Spitting the food I was chewing back into my plate, I asked him: “What do you want, Elion?”
“May I sit here?”
“Yeah, buddy.”
I moved over, and he sat down next to me and then asked as quietly as possible in a hoarse voice: “Listen, can you lend me some money? I spent all my money on alimony.”
In response, I whispered in his ear: “Yes, and if you don’t pay even once, they’ll send you to the mines for a month to mine crystals without even a minute’s rest, and if you die of exhaustion, they’ll just resurrect you… Okay, how much do you need?”
“Even five silver coins for a few days would be enough, I’m so damn hungry!”
I had almost no money left myself, but I couldn’t abandon my friend in trouble, so I gritted my teeth and gave him the money.
“T-thank you, Frank.”
“You’re welcome, go buy yourself something to eat.”
Satisfied, he got up and went to order food, leaving me alone, because he knows perfectly well that I am one of those who like to be sad alone.
Ah… If I could turn back time, I would definitely prevent the birth of that count’s son…
“Here’s your beer!” said the waitress, placing the mug under my nose and quickly leaving to serve other customers.
This time, I took my time because I wanted to savor the taste of this miracle, perhaps for the last time in my life. I wasn’t sure if I could live another month without killing myself. I endured it for a long time, but because of this stigma of being a depraved and reckless piece of trash, people look at me with contempt, and, of course, because of this, I don’t always get good assignments in the guild, not to mention the alimony that empties my wallet almost to zero every damn month.
I hate my life…
Finally, having finished my meal, I got up, slowly left the bar, and headed for the cheapest hotel I knew. When I got there, I was greeted by a building that had probably been built in ancient times, when the kingdom of Trumpnir, which was more than three centuries old, did not even exist yet.
Upon entering the building, I approached the owner, who looked like he was a serial killer, and rented the cheapest room available for the night. It cost one bronze coin. Then, upon reaching the door I needed on the first floor, which wasn’t there, just a piece of cloth, I entered the room I had rented, or rather, the homeless shelter, and collapsed onto the bed. A few minutes later, I fell asleep peacefully. Even the howling wind from the broken window couldn’t disturb me; fatigue had taken its toll.
…
When I woke up, I found myself in a gladiatorial arena as a fighter, but more about that in the next part of this diary…