I feel you! I am at the point where I’ve become ice cold and jaded. That much said, have you thought about doing something in information technology? I know that Linux Sys Admins are getting paid big bucks right now. You might be able to even work from home because a lot of that stuff you can do without being onsite. You’ve got an engineering degree and many firms want somebody with both that background and some Linux/Open source exposure.

I probably have 20 years on you age wise and I am looking at that path right now because I’ve used Linux and open source since the 90s. My degree though is Criminal Justice which might as well be basket weaving. So I’ve a leg down. Although I might be able to teach A+ or Network+ I definitely don’t have the patience to work with people anymore.

I am also autistic and this world just is not made for people like us. Despite being able to run rings around the people I work with in terms of knowledge and experience, I am relegated to the tasks nobody wants to do and I am treated like I am mentally deficient or slow. It’s definitely not you, it’s the world man.

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I was in a similar situation with my professors at one point: I was applying for a master’s program, and they only wanted PhD students. Luckily, I had three professors willing to speak up for me – one whose class I got an A in. The other two I barely passed (and one of those I technically didn’t, and I had to retake it). Both of those classes were 8am classes, and I slept through almost every class – if I managed to show up.

I figured they both had horrible impressions of me, but I accidentally had lunch with one of them one day, and we ended up talking for quite a bit. That gave me courage to talk to the other one, and she’s the one that recommended I talk to a sleep doctor (I got around to it 3 yrs later, and it turns out I have narcolepsy).

Not every teacher is going to be quite that amazing – I’ve had plenty of the exact opposite – but in my experience, I have a bad habit of projecting my own image of myself onto my perception of how others see me.

It sounds like you’re in a tough spot, and I’m not trying to minimize what you’re going through. I hope this is helpful. You can do this!

Breathe.

You just succeeded in an enormous accomplishment. Only 3.65% of people have an engineering degree.Take some time to relish and savor it without self-judgement. You need and deserve a break from worry. Given your parents’ support, you have some space to recharge yourself and refocus - take them up on it. Your biggest issue right now is that you’re emotionally exhausted from the pressure, and you need to rebuild your strength. Take a vacation if you can.

In terms of your worry about your grades, they won’t even be a consideration after you get your first job. Most employers don’t check your transcripts closely, and even if they do, your attitude, confidence and engagement during an interview will have more effect on your success than your GPA ever will. Don’t look on your grades as a failure - everyone gets exhausted as they near the finish line.

You’ve done good, kid- savor it and take some time for yourself.

Same, man I feel this. AuDHD here - masked so hard all throughout college and barely made it. Spent 4 years getting an associates degree at my community college because despite working my ass off I kept barely failing classes & having to retake them due to what I have since learned were undiagnosed / untreated ADHD (& commorbid) symptoms… all just so the credit would transfer to a “real” school for my bachelor’s. Then went to an online school for an IT degree in software development where I could work at my own pace / jump straight to the finals for most classes - never interacted with another student and completed the BA in 1 year.

Fast forward a few years, burnt out so hard at my job as a software engineer that I had to go on disability leave last summer because the crippling depression & anxiety were literally incapacitating… spent the whole summer and all of my savings on therapy & coaching. And still almost lost my job a couple months after coming back because I had fried my brain trying to work through everything and couldn’t handle a fraction of the workload that I had been able to a year before…

Being ND in a world designed for neurotypical brains fucking sucks :(

Lose the weight to help you feel better? Also helps with brain function sucre you complained about memory

First of all – congrats! You made it through. That’s not an easy task, and you made it.

Second, don’t toss out grad school just yet. Poor grades will have an impact, but it’s not an insurmountable obstacle. One good option would be to try to find a job as a lab tech. Learn the ropes, improve your skills on the job, then start applying. Along the way, talk to the profesors and tell them what you want to do – they may have advice and be able to help. Most achools also have career counselor who can help, too.

A big also: Don’t pay for grad school in STEM (maybe just STE?). Most schools waive tuition and pay you a stipend as an RA or TA.

Third: Burn out is real. Push through what you can, but take time for yourself. This may mean taking an afternoon off or a week off – you know what you need and what you can afford.

Context: I’m a director in a biotech with a PhD. Looking into autism for my kids and realizing I am almost certainly on the spectrum myself.

I struggled SO HARD after I got my degree. I was walking dogs, taking any odd job I could find just to pay my bills. (This was way before uber and doordash and such, it was all word of mouth.) I was extremely depressed.

I friend asked if I wanted to work for a labor booker because they needed extra people and I have been in the feild ever since. Don’t be afraid to try unrelated things. You might like it!

Also my degree was still a foot in the door, even if it was completely unrelated. Most employers see a degree as a sign you were dedicated enough to follow through with something, and that you have drive. Your grades don’t matter, and sometimes your field doesn’t even matter. Just the diploma.

I’m not sure how helpful this will be. But the closest person to me also has Austin. It also took them longer than the standard time to finish a bachelor’s degree in a science major. They even had to take a semester off due to similar issues. They ended up resorting to shop lifting, because they couldn’t handle having, going to school at the same time and family restrictions. What helped them in the end was a change in the people they were hanging around and eventually moving. Years later they now own their own business working 1 on 1 with people in an environment they control. Out of the people on my life they make some of the most money. The best advice I see in this thread is to take a break, focus on you and figure out what works best. The industry this person got a major in usually follows a specific path, but they ended up carving out their own little space of what they wanted to do.

This is decidedly not advice on how and what job to get (i’m unable myself) …

If you are burned out you need to rest your brain! Seriously, take care of your mental health. Best would peobably be to change environment, into a quiet (natural) environment where it’s required that you physically exercise (walk). Don’t know if you have such a possibility, it’s just what i learned from my burn-out situations, that i needed to move, and especially to move my thoughts away from whatever clogged my brain, and forcing myself to physically move also helped (i’m in a mountaneous environment, though).
You mentioned music making. Could that perhaps help sanitize? Do you play an instrument, or perhaps want to build one (thinking of rather simple things now, like i started to build drums)? Were you ever interested in crafting? Anyway, get plenty of sleep and water.

Then, i’m having the idea that you could write up a positive self-assessment. So, not “in what ways do i fail to assimilate” but rather “What sets me apart from most other people which is actually valueable?” – It may be more difficult at a young age, so take your time (think of it as an ongoing process in which you note any idea you have, perhaps over weeks – the thing could develop into a journal after all).

Think of it like this: you have this certain ethical conscience, and that shall actually guide you to your duty you were naturally born to do. I do believe that ND people are here for a purpose in this time and age. … So, imagine there is a company of sorts, or a cooperative, which seeks not just employees but participants. Because that company is set to make this world a better place, and to prepare a better environment for future generations to thrive in. They are pioneers, and so are they pioneering in their way of selecting employees: they will ask you what special value you could bring in, and in which ways you will do stuff differently from most other people, which would help them reach their goal of doing things better. They want to know how you do things and how your mind and conscience works, not what scooling you have endured. They do not ask for your competitiveness, else they could ask anyone else.

As an example, i learned that i am not slow at all, once i got a real friend who could tell me (damned be those class"mates" who bullied me with that shit). – It’s rather that my mind can not as quickly arrive at one single answer because it processes many more options and outcomes than what NT minds would do (well, many of them anyway ;-). That enables me to get a picture of processes that appear complex to others – variables, efficiency, sustainability, future consequences of decisions, and “what if everyone did it like this?” I tend to be hyperactive inside. … I’m sensitive to harmony and dissonance/inbalance, and i see similarities in patterns in action everywhere.

That’s my idea. Don’t know if this could be helpful. Maybe you’ll find that organization to work for which asks for exactly such things in job applications (or they do not ask for applications as usual at all but you rather just pay them a visit). But at the moment, it seems you should take a break.

As a middle aged person with an adult diagnosis and a good salary… I just did whatever I thought was interesting and challenging. I’m now a senior developer. I suck at money etc, but I have a patient partner and make a decent salary. Stuff that’s easy for other people can be hard and frustrating, but I’m weirdly good at hard things.