Sorry in advance for the depressing thread, but I don’t have anyone in my life with trans experiences and I need advice on what I’m feeling.
As much as we might wish we could waking up one morning with the body of a gorgeous k-pop idol or something, the fact is reality doesn’t work that way. And this kind of thing is what I’m struggling with the most, the fact that I’m always going to struggle with body hair and masculine features.
I was on HRT for one month, and still have the relevant medications in my bathroom, but stopped. Partially due to lack of support, but mostly due to self-doubt and lack of confidence that I’ll ever be happy with how I look. I just couldn’t see the woman inside coming out.
I kept asking myself: what would be worse? Constantly wishing I could successfully transition, or transitioning and having to live with never being able to pass? This became additionally concerning with the uptick in abuse against trans people.
Part of me feels guilty for stopping and falling back on the safe suffering I already know, and a part of me feels guilty for giving up, part of me is scared of all the new things I’ll have to learn if I re-start, and another part of me is concerned about how my partner would feel if I started again, I know she doesn’t approve but doesn’t want to say so.
For those of you who are/were larger, or taller, or older, or more hairy, how did you manage these concerns? For those of you without resources in your life to aid your transition, how did you get support?
Thank you for reading.
Let’s get one thing out of the way: you’re not guilty of anything here.
Transitioning is a choice, and it’s up to each transgender person to decide when and how to do so. Some people never transition - that’s perfectly valid.
What is most important is your comfort and safety, and if you don’t feel ready, then it’s absolutely OK to pause your transition.
I’m nearly 40, began medical transition at 37. It took me… a decade to resolve my identity. I passed through various stages. The realization of being transgender hit like a ton of bricks. Surprising, and yet not, somehow? I lived decades believing I was stuck in my body.
I will say that I have experienced tremendence progress in recent years. It took 6 months to a year of HRT before I could see “the woman in the mirror”. Now I see my true self more often than not - it’s a wonderful and priceless feeling. My breasts continue to grow and round out - long after I feared my transition was stalled.
However, I’m blessed with a very supportive partner and life circumstances that allow me to make such changes without worrying about family.
My body is naturally somewhat feminine. I still die inside sometimes when I see my face (beard/stubble, receded hairline, nose), hear myself speaking too deeply, or get misgendered. I’m over 6 feet tall - I stand out.
Here’s where I’m at three years in:
I have only now reached a point where I’m comfortable moving forward. I also feel the pressure of my state’s anti-trans politics, the longer I wait, the harder this is going to be. Indeed I feel compelled, not only to make the best decision for myself, but to face my opponents and show them I won’t back down.
Is it frightening? Oh hell yes. Transitioning is terrifying, it’s super difficult and expensive. Not everything that comes from that is good. I’m not going to judge anyone for stopping or delaying their transition.
If you can live as your assigned gender, and you find ways to cope, more power to you. Everyone’s path is different. I do recommend a good therapist so you can discuss how you feel. IMO your relationship and your own mental health depends on it.