My partner and I are expecting our first in December and very excited but not quite sure of what to expect or… how to do any of it, really. What resources helped you when you were first diving into parenthood?
My wife and I read a bunch of books before our kid was born, and the ones worth recommending were:
- The Happiest Baby On The Block: the techniques in here didn’t necessarily work 100% of the time to calm our son, but they worked 80% or so, and that’s a lot better than nothing
- The Birthing Partner: I believe this is actually something of a textbook for doulas, but it’s essentially an extremely graphic look at the process of birth in many variations. Useful for not being too surprised day of
- Expecting Better: Emily Oster’s whole deal is breaking down parenting advice with data. I recommend this one not because it tells The Thing Science Says To Do ™️, but because it basically says that there’s not actually enough data to make a decision on numbers alone for many important parenting topics, with a few notable, hopefully obvious, exceptions (eg don’t hit your kid). I found it really helpful in giving perspective to things that seem like the most important decisions we’d ever make, but that many older parents assured me we probably wouldn’t remember after our child was in school.
Other than that, a few random tips:
- Practice things. Swaddling, diaper changes, and car seat fastening can all be practiced on stuffed animals for scale. It’ll feel silly, but trust me that you don’t want to do it the first time when you’re exhausted from the new baby.
- If you’re worried about diapers (like I was), take solace in the fact that baby waste doesn’t actually smell terrible for the first few months. It’s not a pleasant smell by any means, but you don’t start getting the really bad smells until you introduce solids.
- “It takes a village” and “sleep when the baby sleeps” are truisms for a reason. If you have any support systems you’re comfortable with watching your baby for short spells, leverage them.
- If you have any communication difficulties with your partner, now is a really good time to work on them. The first few weeks involve a decent amount of sleep deprivation for most, which puts a lot of people on edge and can lead to more fighting than usual. Having kind, consistent communication with your partner can help alleviate potential fights.
f you have any communication difficulties with your partner, now is a really good time to work on them. The first few weeks involve a decent amount of sleep deprivation for most, which puts a lot of people on edge and can lead to more fighting than usual. Having kind, consistent communication with your partner can help alleviate potential fights.
Oh man, this 1000%. My wife and I did daily check ins after our kid was born and it helped us a lot to say the things we needed to say and get off our chest (like “what have we done?”). It’s an open, honest space for you both.
Internet communities are good for not feeling alone if you don’t have a local village but I would take anything they say with a very large grain of salt. Every baby/child is different and what works for some will not work for others. There is no gospel, trust yourselves and find a good pediatrician. That said I enjoy yummytoddlerfood and curious.parenting on Instagram. Healthychildren.org is a good resource for milestones/general baby questions.
The biggest was just talking to parents we respect. One-on-one conversations. Invite them over for a little dinner and just chat about their experiences. They’ll appreciate the meal and you’ll get good perspectives.
Others have given really good advice about the baby, so I’ll give you advice for both partners. Postpartum depression/anxiety/psychosis are all very real things and can impact all new parents. Far and away the hardest part of the new baby for our family was my wife’s PPD/PPA–and she’s still struggling with it, 16 months later, despite psychiatrists, counselors, medications, treatments of all kinds, we’ve tried just about everything.
We’re finally to a point where she can get by each day and be relatively happy, even if it’s difficult sometimes still.
I would encourage you and your partner to trust your guts on how you are all doing–our providers early on kind of brushed off our concerns about PPD saying it was normal and would fade after a few months and it took an emergency room visit because she was feeling suicidal to get someone to take us seriously. Definitely stay in tune with your feelings and seek help if you need it. It may take a lot of effort which is NOT what you want when you’re also dealing with a new kiddo!
In the end, I’d say that you’ve got this, don’t let what people say scare you, the early parts are the hardest and then you figure it out and before you know it you have a wonderful family that you couldn’t imagine life without!
