I turn to my financial advisors, “I need to liquidate all my wealth. As soon as possible. I need it all in cash.”
The lead advisor is incredulous, “Are you serious, sir‽ You’ll be sued from here to Tokyo! The litigation will go on for over a decade!”
I do my best to act like the original psychopath, “It’s MY wealth! MINE. I can do what I want with it! Fuck the haters.”
“To what end, sir? Are we moving into gold? Crypto? Private islands like Larry Ellison? An entire city in a bunker?”
“No. I need it all in a single bank account. I want the names and addresses of every household in America earning under $50,000. All of them.”
I let them stew in that for a moment, the sheer logistics of the request paralyzing the room. Then I throw them a bone. “Tell me… if I set aside exactly one billion for myself, what’s the payout for the rest?”
One of the advisors pulls up a spreadsheet and in no time at all they have the answer, “$20,739.41.”
I smile, “Great! Make it an even $20,000 and I’ll use the rest for politics.” In my head, I laugh, “We’ll have socialized medicine in no time! Haha!”
Even after handing out checks for over $20,000 to 40 million AmericansI’m still a billionaire.
I turn to my financial advisors, “I need to liquidate all my wealth. As soon as possible. I need it all in cash.”
The lead advisor is incredulous, “Are you serious, sir‽ You’ll be sued from here to Tokyo! The litigation will go on for over a decade!”
I do my best to act like the original psychopath, “It’s MY wealth! MINE. I can do what I want with it! Fuck the haters.”
“To what end, sir? Are we moving into gold? Crypto? Private islands like Larry Ellison? An entire city in a bunker?”
“No. I need it all in a single bank account. I want the names and addresses of every household in America earning under $50,000. All of them.”
I let them stew in that for a moment, the sheer logistics of the request paralyzing the room. Then I throw them a bone. “Tell me… if I set aside exactly one billion for myself, what’s the payout for the rest?”
One of the advisors pulls up a spreadsheet and in no time at all they have the answer, “$20,739.41.”
I smile, “Great! Make it an even $20,000 and I’ll use the rest for politics.” In my head, I laugh, “We’ll have socialized medicine in no time! Haha!”
Even after handing out checks for over $20,000 to 40 million Americans I’m still a billionaire.
Thank you, I enjoyed that :D