This is, of course, just my experience, so I can’t speak for anyone else. I have had a “real” ADHD diagnosis for years and only in the last year or so self-diagnosed a touch of the 'tism. I definitely felt that divide, and looking back, I think the biggest reason for it was that I was really analyzing my interactions through that lens. The really obvious differences - especially the ones involving me putting in extra effort - got to be fairly frustrating.

I don’t know whether you’re looking for advice or commiseration, and no judgement either way, but I’ve found it helpful to remind myself that my brain just works differently and there is essentially zero chance that the person I’m dealing with is even aware of the disparity, let alone intentionally engaging in it. I put a decent amount of stock in intentions and I find that most people I interact with at least intend to act in good faith. That helps me maintain my patience in challenging circumstances. Edit to add: I was just scrolling down through the memes on this /c/ and saw one about intentions and a NT person who “didn’t intend to hurt feelings.” Intentions only matter to me if they can be fluid. Saying something hurtful without mean to hurt doesn’t make it okay. I can forgive if someone actually seems sorry about the pain caused and doesn’t try to brush it off or justify it.

I am also very fortunate to be surrounded by supportive people whom I feel comfortable sharing my self-diagnosis with and unmasking around. Those same people are understanding and patient with me in turn, and they are willing to at least try new and different communication methods/let me ramble.

My experience boils down to this: some people suck, but most mean well, and there are those out there who will continue to be kind and supportive, even if their brains work differently from mine. Seek those people out and try to have patience, because it can be a big adjustment for them too.