spaf @spaf
Every vendor booth at RSA this year: Powered by world-class Al with a proprietary language model, our product offers unbelievably agile, next-gen threat intelligence-based risk management in the dark net on a quantum containerized blockchain employing breathtakingly advanced data science. Built to be compatible with your SIEM & cloud, its zero-trust architecture is programmed in a memory-safe language with no supply chain to monitor!
Literally no supply chain.
As in, we don’t have a product yet, but we’re working on it!
Hey I know, what if we let Sales set the direction of the company?? They get us money, right? It’s jenius!
That’ll show those surly waaah-i-wanna-work-from-home engineer people!
More colored charts! Add AI to the printer toner! I read a business book once!
You misspelled jeanius
This is the most injeanious comment I’ve read in a long time.
Can’t help it my dude, must be in my jeanetics…Still, I shot my shot, and my argument stands.
you mean your jeans?
I’m a jeantleman…and according to my edjeancation, that would be jeanerally correct.
I once worked for a company which did exactly that - they put the marketing people in charge. It may surprise you to hear that they went from being a large organisation to going bust within a few years.
I’m pretty sure every organization is under some kind of siege by their versions of sales and marketing. In better days those voices get balanced or bested by smarter heads. In worse days, they don’t, marketing takes over and the company is sold for scrap two years later.
its zero-trust architecture is programmed in a memory-safe language with no supply chain to monitor!
this is good.
They’re fully vertically integrated from the silicone through the compiler, os, and all software running.
Silicone? I suppose even sex toys need proper security these days.
To be fair smart connected chastity cages did get hacked recently so their owners couldn’t get them off.
And some of them did get off on that.
Ah shit, serves me right for posting off the cuff…
Though that is also a thing.
Don’t sweat it too much, I think most people struggle with silicon vs silicone. Silicon is the hard stuff used in computer chips, silicone is the soft stuff used in sex toys and boob implants.
A few mnemonic devices that might help you remember which is which:
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SiliCON is a semi-CONductor, silicone is not.
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(expanded version of the previous) SiliCON is very CONventient when used in computers due to its properties as a semi-CONductor.
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Madonna has silly cones.
On the last one, I have no idea if Madonna has breast implants or not, and quite frankly I don’t really care. However, I do know that she has/had a fairly infamous outfit that included a cone-shaped bra. As such, the train of thought goes silicone -> silly cone(s) -> Madonna had silly cones -> breasts -> breast implants.
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And it comes with a free gogurt!
That’s good!
The gogurt is proprietary blockchain.
Thats bad
I mean isn’t it the only part that actually makes sense?
Ah yes, I love tech jargon overload
Fun fact, the whole thing is actually a science/engineering injoke that’s been going for decades. Look up Turbo Encabulator
Kinda miss VXJunkies now and then. Mostly then though.
What is this from.
Turbo Encabulator
Whazzat
It’s a video of salesmen making fun of incomprehensible jargon by giving a fake presentation filled with nothing but incomprehensible jargon
wow that is an impressively triggering paragraph.
though I should get spaf to write my résumé
Due to your product not being turnkey I am unable to get management buy-in.
Also no single pane of glass. What is this, amateur hour?
And no ‘single push of a button’, the filthy casuals.
SPoG is dead.
I would like one security please.
Sorry, the least I can sell you is four on a subscription.
But is it blazingly fast?
Well, a brick is technically unhackable.
At least “fuzzy logic” is now a long dead buzzword.
But my rice cooker uses fuzzy logic to better cook the rice /s
I mean its not totally useless jargon but it made me laugh
fuzzy logic
Can you jog my memory on this? 😊
“We discovered floats”
Maybe.
damn I walked right into it 😂😂
The future is
bleakbright!Just
peachybleachy!Blight?
Is this human language?
It’s bullshitese, specifically.
Nice. I’ll take two.
This hits too close…
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