The longest relationship I ever had: the person would say the craziest, most off-the-wall things in the world. I though they had no sense at all. Then I realized that whenever they said that sort of thing, they would be carefully observing how people reacted. That person frequently asked me for advice, but rarely took it, which was infuriating. Then I realized that they asked lots of people for advice, and carefully considered them all. Eventually I understood that person had solid grades despite serious life distractions, was an excellent judge of character, and was really good at making difficult decisions.
So I guess my point is: there’s all kinds of smarts, and it can be hard to tell who’s got em good.
Intelligence is important, but I think even more important is curiosity and an open mind. There are lots of really smart people who are also closed-minded insufferable know it alls. And if they’re not curious about learning new things, new perspectives, and exploring this amazing world we live in: then what even is this all about?
Scuba
moooist
it was important for me. i needed a partner near my own wavelength. a person who could challenge me…someone who can see through my bullshit
My husband would not describe himself as smart, but I think it’s probably because he never cared enough about school. He is pretty book smart and has a huge vocabulary in both his native and second language (his second is English, my native, and it’s fucking nuts to me that he’s got a wider English vocabulary than 70% of the kids I went to high school with), but he was just never into academia.
He is significantly smarter than he realizes though. He remembers every good tip or life hack he comes across, so he’s got a wide range of perfected methods for cutting onions, hanging pictures, keeping your place organized, etc.
He’s also very observant about me, to the degree that he literally knows me better than I know myself (I’m autistic and masked well my entire life until I immigrated to a new country and could really get weird without anyone stopping me). I tend to not care about things being right for me as long as they’re not wrong wrong. He’s noticed foods I don’t really like, routines I’m not aware of, and he is stupid good at turning me on (I tried lots of different phrasings here, I’m sorry it still sounds ick).
He DMs in dnd, and he’s so good at it. I tried dming once and realized that it was the equivalent of using your weekends to train for a marathon vs doing beer league soccer (dming vs being a PC). I just don’t want to work that hard while having fun. He has no issue keeping track of dozens of plot hooks or stat blocks and he incorporates new information from the PCs into his story as he goes. I don’t think it’s possible to be a really good DM without being smart (or at least about as smart as the players, and we’ve played with some pretty smart people and with kids, who are wayyy more creative/hard to predict than adults).
I want to go on, but at some point, he’d feel like this is TMI, so I’ll stop now.
I always looked for partners who were academically talented first (well, first for intelligence, I do think kindness is more important), and I’m so glad I was open to people who don’t make that their whole shtick, because I don’t deserve a husband this wonderful.
This was so good I read it twice. Thank you for sharing.
is he single?
Fun fact…no.
Among the most important attributes, if not the most important. There has to be some physical attraction and usually that is what gets things going but it’s sometimes surprising how other attributes become more important as the relationship develops. Charisma and humour is huge. Creativity and skill is a massive turn on. Kindness and self awareness, vital. These are often dependent on or related to the base level of intelligence.
It changes over time, too. As a young man, I devoted very little consideration to intelligence but those weren’t really relationships, mostly sex cosplaying as a relationship.
There are so many different types of intelligence, and so many different ways of judging them. Someone’s intelligence can vary so much even on a day to day basis based on if they get enough sleep, their blood sugar, stress levels, hormones, health issues, distractions, etc etc. I used to put SO MUCH stock in intelligence but as I’ve gotten wiser I’ve realized it doesn’t matter if they can solve math problems quickly or have a big vocabulary or specialized in a niche field of science or got an advanced degree etc etc. I learned that as long as a partner is good at problem solving and makes good decisions, none of the rest matters. Are the decisions they are making consistently making their and other’s lives better? Are they able to tackle hurdles when they come between them and their goals? If the other pieces of compatibility are there then that’s really all that’s important.
Dont gotta be super smart, just have a good attitude and curiosity. I want to build a life together, not cure cancer.
Why dont you want to cure cancer, my guy?
Big cancer doesn’t want you to know.
Do you really want to take away the livelihood of cancer researchers?
You’re right, I was being selfish.
If my dumbass cured cancer, we’d probably have an ‘I am Legend’ scenario on our hands
Damn. I’m glad SOMEONE wanted to cure cancer…
Hi, cancer survivor here. Shoutout to Dr Crawford.
Not nearly as important as ethics.
Agreed, I’ve been tied to train tracks and having someone decide whether the trolley hits me or two construction workers can be important.
Common sense, maturity, humility, and curiosity are all extremely important to me in a partner. Whether my potential partner is book smart is significantly less important to me than whether they treat others with respect and wanting to improve themselves.
With the superficial stuff out of the way, the bottom line is that the thing that matters most is whether or not I want to spend my limited time with them.
It has always been the most important. Now I’m gonna say something that usually results in people telling me I’m arrogant and sincerely this isn’t arrogance it’s just fact: I’m extremely intelligent. And I could not really have a spouse who wasn’t. When my wife and I met we both found such relief because we both feel this way. She’s highly intelligent and that was the most attractive quality to me.
I recognize though that it’s not the only quality of merit. She’s also extremely kind and loving and supporting, and independent of intelligence those too are extremely attractive and praiseworthy. I guess really I wish everyone could simply find a person who they are attracted to in many many respects. That’s the best foundation I think.
I’m extremely intelligent.
If you feel the need to say it, you probably aren’t as intelligent as you think you are.
True intelligence is knowing how stupid you are. -Socrates
Eh, it’s a largely anonymous internet forum. No one could possibly know from reading a single comment, nor does it exactly afford bragging rights.
Intelligence vs wisdom… he may have the one, but probably not the other.
…what? How do you expect them to demonstrate their intelligence within the span of a single comment, without telling you? This “comeback” doesn’t work if their intelligence constitutes actually relevant context.
They don’t need to prove their intelligence, but this entire line just throws off “but awkshully” vibes of someone who thinks too highly of themselves. Bolding mine.
Now I’m gonna say something that usually results in people telling me I’m arrogant and sincerely this isn’t arrogance it’s just fact: I’m extremely intelligent.
You know who brags about their intelligence enough to be told they are arrogant? Morons. Morons who think they are super smart do that.
If they left that one sentence out then the rest of their post as written would have made them look smart.
Mmh, I see what you mean. Fair enough!
Very important.
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I want to be with someone I enjoy talking to.
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I admit that I couldn’t bring much to the sort of relationship where intelligence isn’t particularly important.
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Intelligence is heritable to a significant extent, which is important in case children are produced.
One downside (in a sense) is that this approach will probably lead to two very career-oriented people being together, which causes some problems.
Edit: I’m saying this as someone who is significantly above average on the sort of intelligence measured by SATs.
I got a perfect score on my SATs and I’m in my mid thirties and working in a bakery (not as a baker, I just sell bread and clean. It’s lovely).
Granted, it’s part time while I get a master’s degree, but I’ll be working 20 hours a week for mediocre pay when I finish, teaching adult language/integration courses for new immigrants.
Intelligence and ambition aren’t necessarily related, though obviously you get farther if you get good grades. Ambition is correlated with studying, diligence, and focus, so it tends to lead to higher SAT scores.
Conscientiousness and ambition aren’t the same thing but they are related, and conscientiousness appears to be uncorrelated or weakly negatively correlated with intelligence. With that said, I have met relatively few highly intelligent people who aren’t career-oriented; I can only guess about why.
A friend of mine is married to an intelligent, educated woman who simply doesn’t want to work. I don’t understand her - I would be bored out of my mind if I went more than a few months without a job. But I do sometimes envy my friend. He can support his family on a single income, and when he moves for work his wife has no difficulty coming with him. He can take jobs far from big cities because he doesn’t have to worry about being somewhere where she can find a job too. (Right now they live near the beach on an island in Florida.)
Meanwhile my partner and I have twice as much money as his family but we don’t even live together because I live near my job and she lives near hers. We’re both busy so we see each other once or twice a week. We aren’t just dating - we’re in a committed long-term relationship, but work comes first.
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Intelligence is important, but big muscle is importanter.
If everyday anomalies and unanswered questions don’t drive you a little batty, your willful ignorance will start to become annoying.
But we must be at ease with uncertainty as well! I argue this with my husband. You can’t possibly know everything, if you rush to assign some answer to every question you are just going to be wrong a lot.
To think about them and wonder, yes. To need to know everything? No. The fact that there is always more unanswered makes me happy, I am glad there is still mystery in the world.
Extremely, stupid people are boring. Give me a 5/10 PhD student.
If you can’t have a reasonably equal exchange of ideas, that’s a deal breaker. You don’t have to be Stephen Hawking brilliant to have a decent conversation, but you have to be able to understand the important concepts in your partner’s life (work, politics, religion, hobbies, or whatever else) and then meaningfully engage with them on those things.
More intelligence than that CAN be a bonus, but less… seems like that would lead to a lack of fulfillment.
