I’m a bit lost here, to be fair. I went full no contact with my family back when I was 16. Took a hike, even across countries. So, apparently what happened, was my ex brother in law not keeping his mouth shut and sharing my number with my family. I still can’t make heads or tails of it. But now my dad wants to be real chummy and friendy with me? Fuck that, honestly. I’m not super mad at him, more at the rest of my family, but it seriously hurts right now. What am I supposed to do? I’m at a loss here. Haven’t really talked to the person for over 21 years.
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“More at the rest of the family”
If you’re not mad at him that make that clear.
“Yo I’m NC with the family. Not mad at you and if you can STFU I’m willing to consider a discussion. But I’m doing this for you, not for me. What do you want?”
Just be really rude, it makes the message clear
Maybe cut him some slack? A lot can happen in 20 years.
If OP has made it clear he doesn’t want someone around, and they violate it by sharing phone numbers and sending texts and trying to get back in, then the family isn’t respecting boundaries and is probably why they got cut off in the first place.
Going no contact is often a last resort after a lifetime of pain. It’s nothing something people do casually.
Meh, that is a bit extreme without knowing anything about the history. OP even said they’re not really angry with their father. I think it’s fair to reach out after over 20 years. If OP still wants no contact, they can communicate this and if their father doesn’t respect that, then I’d say you have a valid point.
Going no-contact is an extreme form of self-defense which takes incredible emotional fortitude to uphold, especially at first when your bewildered abuser is trying every trick to get back into your life. It cannot be done casually. It takes lots of time and energy. This means that the person who does it was really, really hurt. And you think it’s fair to the abuser to let them reach back out?
Maybe I am too old to put too much value in the lasting decisions of a teenager. You change so damn much over the years and what felt like the worst back then isn’t that bad when you look back after 20 years. But my main point is that OP explicitly said they weren’t angry with their father, so I don’t see it as a bad act when he tries to contact OP again.
Have you ever been abused by a parent?
As a matter of fact, I did go no contact with my parents after I moved out at 19 and minimal contact as I got older. Nowadays, with both of them dead, I see their behavior more nuanced. I can appreciate how difficult it is to leave your own upbringing behind and they both came from families traumatized by war. That’s my personal story, of course, and doesn’t mean other people should see it the same way. But it’s the reason why I think, after 20 years it’s no problem to re-evaluate decisions you made as a teenager. If you still feel the same way you did back then, that’s fine. But there’s no point in leaving relationships behind that could be good for you just because.
But there’s no point in leaving relationships behind that could be good for you just because.
Did you go no contact with your parents “Just because” ?
With respect, 16 year old brains are not physically developed enough to make that decision. It’s why we don’t let them vote.
Things may look different today. I stand by my suggestion.
anyone who’s been abused as a teenager could tell your differently. your advice is wrong, sorry.
It isn’t really. But you are, of course, entitled to your opinion.
Entitled is an ironic choice of words for someone who’s never been abused and says teenage abuse victims aren’t “developed enough” to go no-contact with their abuser. Foolish human. If you respond I’ll block you instantly without reading it to verify that you’ve read and understood my comment.
Fuck off. Stop assuming that you know anything about me, foolish asshole.
Now that the BLUF is out of the way, and I know that you’ve read and understood my comment, I’ll do you a solid to show that there are no hard feelings. You’re blocked.
A completely unsurprising response given your idiotic takes in the thread so far. Sounds you need more education in your “area of professional study.” Or just any education would do.
You seem nice.
The person I’m talking to discredits teenage victims of abuse who choose to cut off their abuser by saying that they’re not “developed” enough to decide when the abuse stops. And you’re offended by what I said? Fuck off.
16 year olds would call getting grounded abuse. But there’s not enough info to know whats up in any way.
But you do seem like an absolute asshole, so I’m blocking you. And no I’m not the person you replied to.
There’s (edit:was) enough info in the thread to read between the lines enough to know it wasn’t anything on par with “grounding”. Implying most 16 years old call grounding abuse sure is helpful in a thread like this though. As if someone maintains 20 years NC because of grounding.
Sounds like you’re doing them a favour by blocking them if you think saying the equivalent of “just get over it” is reasonable.
Yeah the guy isn’t a stranger to L takes. “Maybe cut the guy some slack” pfffft. Abused or neglected at 16? Nah you’re too young to know that apparently.
Also with due respect, your opinion is wrong. I work with badly abused people, and those that CAN escape from toxicity at the earliest have it “best”. Some could never escape. There are 12yr old who have a forced maturity that you often don’t even find in 40+ olds. Which is not really a good thing.
Please, i don’t wanna sound condescending or so, but widen your horizon in that regard please.
My “opinion” is not wrong. It is scientific fact. Adolescent development is an area of my professional study.
Are there abused children in the world? Yes. Are their brains well-enough developed to make any lifelong decisions? No. That doesn’t mean that they don’t deserve help. It does mean that they are not mature enough to understand the ramifications of a no-contact decision.
I don’t wanna sound condescending, but please base your own opinions in fact.
Facts? So heavily abused children should stay with their abusers forever because their "brain is not well-enough to make any lifelong decisions hence they are not… "? This is the most absurd thing I’ve heard in a while. Not saying their brain isn’t perfectly well adjusted. No shit sherlock, that’s old news. Just the conclusion is… Very questionable. The ramifications of a no-contact-decision is the faint possibility of starting a therapy and get slightly better.
Anyone abused in whatever way, no matter how mature their brain is, should leave the abusive environment (at the very least. And get help at the acceptable best) . Isn’t that like the most basic survival-tactic? Avoid any kind of harm at all costs however possible.
And now we know that you can’t (or won’t) read. That’s ok. But I do think that we’ve exhausted the possibilities of this conversation.
We sure did. But please, do continue your “studies”, you never know when it might come in handy.
I lost my dad shortly after I got back in contact with him, and not trying to make up with him sooner is one of my greatest regrets. Obviously your situation may be different but it’s probably worth giving him a second chance.
With absolutely zero context to what caused the rift initially – I’ll just say you only get shot in this life, it’s up to you to make it count. Most people would be heartbroken having zero contact with their children, it’s entirely possibly he’s decided enough is enough? Ultimately, is reconnecting going to negatively impact your life? If yes, simply ignore the attempt.
You don’t owe them anything just because you share blood. That being said.
Without knowing the background: if it was not him you’re mad at, he might just want to have contact with his offspring. Nothing inherently bad. So why not? Can’t hurt. It’s not yes or no forever. Test what he REALLY wants and decide then? At least you can never blame yourself in the future for not trying, if you’re inclined to doing these things.
But if there is any toxicity at all, fuck it. Ground rule #1 in life: cut toxic people out. Period. Be it blood or stranger. Doesn’t matter. But you already did this long ago, so kudos for that.
Crazy that you say “can’t hurt” despite OP explicitly stating that it already hurts even at the place in the decision making that they are currently in.
As the possibility isn’t off the table (or else there’d be no post) and considering we know absolutely nothing about the why, it sure can’t hurt much more. Or maybe it can and the question was futile. It’s just a wild guess based on nearly no info. And as an optimist, i assume the least bad. Working with badly abused people i sure know the other side.
You might check around, see if anyone around him can vouch for him making major life changes.
It’s really hard to know what to do. Both a changed dad who hopes to start new and an unchanged man who is just waiting for a chance to re-traumatize you would say similar things and be very friendly at first.
A lot of people get increasingly sentimental as they get older and the guy’s your dad. You don’t owe him anything and don’t have to engage at all, but he’d likely be grateful for even a surface level relationship with his estranged kid if you’re at all interested.
From what I read so far - I should say hello to him again.
If you’re willing and comfortable to share why you went no contact, the context will help people give you more considered advice.
I can’t imagine the wave of feelings and memories getting that message from your father after all this time. I hope you find the right advice you need to support you through this.
As someone who’s mostly NC with a parent and considered going full NC I would hesitate listening to people who likely have little understanding of why people go NC with family.
I’ve heard many a “you can’t chose your family” from people when they have no idea what they’re speaking on. If you think the reason for going NC with someone has changed; sure consider giving him a chance. If you have a therapist or someone similar in your life ask them for their take. No judgement here for maintaining NC with someone who made you feel it was necessary to go NC at 16 though.
That’s 100% dependent on why you went no contact in the first place. It doesn’t sound like you owe him anything, so your only question is how it relates to your own feelings.
If your ex brother in law has both your and his contact info, it sounds like he could’ve reached out indirectly at any point.
To add a bit for OP. This is 100% context dependent, I agree. My partner did this with her family and it was the correct choice imo. I have never met such a group of toxic individuals before—holy cow. To the point I felt like I was incredibly sheltered. She has some insane stories, somehow always worse than the last.
I get turning the other cheek, and looking at things from other’s perspective, but sometimes that just won’t do it. People can be truly awful and you have to take care of yourself when others don’t have the wherewithal (EQ) to understand the damage they do.
You never asked to be born. Your parents wanted that. You owe blood relatives nothing. Family are the people you love.
Family is who you treat like family.
Removed by mod
“No contact” means “I’m choosing not to have them in my life anymore”
With no context on what caused you to go no-contact, nobody can give you a worth-a-shit answer.
“Fuck that” is perfectly valid. You don’t owe them anything, and I think you should be extremely selfish in deciding whether to talk to them. You went no contact for a good reason.
Is there something you want to hear from them? E.g. “I’m sorry”
What would you want from the relationship?IF you decide that you want a relationship, having clearly defined reasons for why you’re doing it will help in assessing if you’re getting what you want from it, and if you should continue the relationship.
YOU call the shots. YOU define the boundaries. There are no wrong answers.
Want to talk to him (and him only) on the phone for 20 minutes, once a year? Perfectly fine.
Happy birthday texts only? Valid.
You like no contact? No problem.But now my dad wants to be real chummy and friendy with me? Fuck that, honestly
There’s your answer, specially crafted by you, for you.
You can also tell the family that gave out your contact information without permission that since they have no concept of personal boundaries, you will not be taking any calls or visits from them, if you wish.
I’ve been no contact for almost the same amount of time, so I’ll tell you how I’d feel in the same boat.
My dad had no backbone to protect me while I was in his house, and he didn’t bother trying to stay in my life after I left. He may not have done the abuse, but he definitely allowed it to happen due to inaction. I am always going to miss the parents I thought I had, but it won’t add anything positive to my life to have contact again.
He is a stranger in a familiar coat
Damn, this hits hard. Same deal here.
