i don’t really expect anything useful coming towards my direction here. i am just posting it out there.
somehow i left my “cave” and i forced myself to physically interact with women. i no longer can use the excuse of “i am unattractive” to avoid women or love or whatever i am avoiding. possibility of having my own kids became real in practice, not just in theory.
anyway, one woman acted like she kind of adopted me. she also acted like she is kinda my responsibility. like imagine a kid looking at you with some expectations. kinda like she attach herself to you. she kinda acted like she’d be open to everything to do with me including whatever i might want related to her. i felt like she’ll always love me. it’s difficult to verbally describe what i felt or understood.
btw somehow we understand a ton of things from actions (or energies?) of others if they are close. i didn’t know i was capable of understanding that much because a lot of the time, things happen really fast, and i wasn’t aware that i knew what i seem to know. anyway.
this isn’t exactly about her. if someone is like her to me, i kinda don’t know what to do with that. it kinda feels like taking responsibility of another creature. her having expectations from me. what do you do with a woman if she loves you, and kinda acts like both your mom and your kid?
isn’t that too much love or bond or emotion? maximum reality of a connection or something like that was what i wanted and i accidentally got it. now it feels kinda too much. it feels too good/intense for me to maintain a control in my life or something. idk. i am not used to having what i’ll call love in my life. when i am around other humans i don’t exchange love with them. my family betrayed me so i no longer have a family. i don’t have friends and it seems i kinda don’t want friends.
i want to proceed to gain experience but eventually i want to end the relationship. i can’t spend my entire life with the first woman who acts like that to me, although i don’t want to be unappreciative. anyway if i end this, i would feel bad for ending it. like she looks at me so happily and that just looks so nice. its like a mix of she acts like my mom in some ways and my kid in some ways towards me because… its me kindof. i wouldn’t want to make her go from being that happy to sad, and i wouldn’t want to be responsible for that change. i could tell her this and leave it up to her. idk
next problem. maybe i really want to be alone my whole life. if i genuinely do not want to stay in a relationship with anyone, what would happen?
next problem. lets say somehow i changed and i wanted to stay in a relationship and she became my family, somehow. people change. she might change too. look at past few decades. a concept called x used to be bad. now it is somehow good. how did that happen? what made that happen will keep doing it. lets say she changes. she is no longer good to me or for me. well… did i just lose my family?
is there a more stable and less intense way of having your own family? also it’s kinda weird to create your family by fucking a woman.
i thought about creating a movement and having my group of people as something to love or see as family but idk if thats realistic. i guess i’ll love sun, trees, sky or wooden figures i build or something but thats stupid. so what do. idfk. why can’t i be an empty idiot like others so i can just fuck around freely?
Sounds like you’re unfamiliar with love and its expressions. That’s fair, especially if you didn’t have that with your family of origin.
To answer one of your questions: that dynamic where someone depends on you and also takes care of you? That’s pretty normal for a romantic relationship. Give it some time and see how you feel. It’ll probably make you feel vulnerable, because this person has the potential to hurt you, and you them (which is often just as scary). But learning to have that dynamic with someone can be really great, and may help you work through some of your past trauma. And that intensity you’re feeling now will probably feel less intense over time.
A caveat: there is such thing as codependency, as well as manipulation. These are unhealthy things in a relationship, and you’d want to be wary of your partner putting a ton of pressure on you while also ignoring your needs and desires. There should be a good amount of give and take for both of you. If you’re not sure, reach out to anyone you trust, or worst case come here and see what the internet thinks.
To answer another question: no, a romantic relationship is not the only way to have a family, and even very close relationships. I have friends that are closer than most of my family members outside my own household, people I trust and appreciate deeply. These relationships are often formed organically while pursuing other activities, and are often strengthened when you practice those activities together often. If you’re interested in pursuing that type of friendship, look for social gatherings around a passion or hobby, and you may be able to meet people where you feel a similar (though less intense) sense of intimacy.
Final answer: yes, it’s possible (inevitable even) that people change. And sometimes people change in ways that make them incompatible for one another–there’s a reason there’s consistently been about a 50% divorce rate for marriages in the west. Getting into a romantic relationship makes this a possibility (remember how you’re becoming vulnerable in it), but it doesn’t have to be random or a surprise. If there’s one piece of advice I can give you, it’s to communicate with your partner. Effective communication is a skill that takes practice, but it sounds like the woman you’re seeing would probably be open to it. Even if you simply tell her that all of this is new and feels overly intense and you’re not sure how to handle it, but you want to see how things go, she’ll hopefully understand. If you continue to be honest and communicate well with each other, even if you grow apart and the relationship doesn’t work out, you’ll be more likely to part on amicable terms and not be as traumatic (that is, losing a relationship doesn’t have to be painful like you’ve experienced in your past).
Finally, a question for you: why couldn’t you spend the rest of your life with the first person you have a relationship with? Of course you don’t have to, and it doesn’t happen that way often, but I wouldn’t necessarily plan an exit strategy if everything is going well.