It’s just hyperbolic masculine capitalism being parroted. Live in the U.S. south and have dealt with many friends and their relatives who have said the same shit. I’ve been around long enough to see those same people completely fall apart when the lives at home just crumble because they’re too busy with work (illness, deaths in family, etc). They always eventually come to regret the decisions and times they’ve missed once they get in their later years.

There’s nothing wrong with choosing to prioritize a work career in one’s life though, but hating on someone else’s choice is just ridiculous.

Holy shit, 12 weeks ! I’m from France and paternity leave is notoriously lacking (compared to other forms of welfare that exist alongside it). I feel 12 weeks is generous and fantastic.

I don’t think you’re missing anything. I think that your co-workers bragging is one of the toxic effects of how we tend to think about productivity nowadays, especially in America. I think that there’s a tendency to glorify suffering (i.e. sacrificing time with your family to do so much work that by the time you get home to your family, you’re too exhausted to be fully present with them).

I know fathers who effectively didn’t have a choice about spending time with their newborns, because of a mixture of social pressures (especially gendered pressure from extended family) and financial pressure (such as not having access to paternity leave), who then go on to brag about how much they worked and sacrificed, framing it as if it’s a choice they’re glad they made. I think that for some people, this nonsense rhetoric is what they tell themselves to cope with the fact they were effectively coerced into something they regret.

Long story short, you’re not missing anything. You are, in some ways though, going against the grain: even in places that have paid paternity leave, that alone isn’t enough to change the tide of social attitudes. That change happens because of people like you who go “fuck this nonsense, I’m not making a martyr of myself to support my family when I can do a much better job supporting them if I’m there with them”.

Unfortunately, based on reports from friends who are fathers, this is just scratching the surface of people being weird about men who are enthusiastic and engaged fathers. It sounds like you’ve got your priorities in order though. Your coworkers are very silly, and even if you don’t feel it appropriate or necessary to tell them how absurd they are, you should at least internalise the fact that you are the sensible one here. An analogy that comes to mind is how, if your employer matches your 401k contributions, it’s a no-brainer to take advantage of what is basically free money. If someone has “spare” salary and asked for financial advice online, one of the first and most basic suggestions is often that if you’re not already taking advantage of any 401k match your employer offers, you definitely should be. It’s free money! Similarly, taking advantage of the paid paternity leave is a no-brainer. This isn’t a challenge run in a video-game, so there aren’t any prizes for making things needlessly harder for oneself.

I’ve seen my coworkers take paternity leave, which I think is like 8 weeks where I work.

Generally, they’ve staggered it with their spouse so that one parent is working and the other on child care, rather than both being out over the same window. Typically the Dad’s have taken their leave a couple months after the baby is born when Mom is returning to work. It keeps the baby out of daycare for as long as possible.

What moron would pass up on 85% paid leave??

It’s a psychological defense, “I did this and it was ok and it’s the right thing to do, so everyone must do it too”. It’s like backwards logic, like, I think it’s s good idea simply because I was forced to do it and that’s the only way it makes the whole thing ok.

Also related: toxic culture of “toughen up”.

The brain works in quirky ways. There’s real studies that show that if something is higher price people attribute better characteristics to it.

Good for you! That time with your family is really important.

I’m from the US and I caused quite a stir when I took 4 weeks off; 3 days paternity leave and the rest was accrued vacation. HR was trying to convince me to break it up because “it would self a bad precedent.” But my boss was supportive and approved it anyway.

My US company went ham on paternity leave. I adopted a 3-day-old and got 12 weeks leave.

I provided pretty decent support from home for my position for the first week, I did small things and help people in my department get up to speed on what I had to do. I was kind of sleep deprived but they needed the help to start with. 9 times out of 10 I was holding the baby because at that age there’s not much you’re doing other than holding feeding or changing them. And that’s what they really need.

I then took a solid 6 weeks of only minimal interactions. I would drop in on occasional daily meetings mostly so I knew what was going on.

The vast majority of my work can happen from home. The sleep deprivation and bonding time are the important things to take care of, along with giving my partner a decent level of support and adjustment time. Putting in a little work here and there in between things actually gave me a little bit of mental stimulus when I needed it.

The six to eight week period, I ramped up a little more and remotely attended most meetings. I started coming in a few times a week from 8 to 12 weeks so that my partner didn’t feel my support just fall off a cliff for 8 hours a day.

It’s important to get that early bonding time in, it’s important to give your partner the support they need to adjust. I honestly feel that what I did makes a lot more sense than just 12 weeks of off time. I think I’d probably rather have 8 weeks solid and then have another 4 weeks of flexible PTO that I could take around them learning to crawl, walk, have medical issues.

Nothing about child rearing fits nicely into a 12-week box.

Absolutely take paternity. Why wouldn’t you?

12 weeks paternity leave at 85% salary? Damn, that’s sweet, even by many EU standards.

I wouldn’t think twice about taking it.

Don’t listen to those morons. Paternity leave is a legit great way to stay with your wife and children when they need it the most.

Your coworkers desperately need class consciousness, working until your bones give out is not “supporting your family” its being a wage slave.

My Colorado Comrades in corporate environments take the time. I’ve seen a number of guys go out on Paternity since we enacted paid paternity leave in our state. It’s legally protected, we fought and voted for it. If your boss doesn’t like it they can eat shit and die because it’s your right. Your family is more important than some corporate nonsense.

Most democratic countries have a full 12 months leave or more for whichever parent ( or shared between both.) Maybe this lack of early bonding and co-regulation between family members explains US as it is today.