This meme says the solution to male loneliness is to “stop being an asshole”. Which immediately presumes that the only reason a man could be lonely is because they are bad. It is telling you that entertaining the idea that men are suffering is pointless because their suffering is self-inflicted and the pain will obviously stop once the man takes responsibility and “stops being an asshole”.
But, and this is a wild thought here, what if not all male loneliness is caused by men acting like assholes?
Yes, it is obvious that someone who pushes people away will eventually find themselves with no one. But that is a one way street. It is not true that everyone who finds themselves with no one must have pushed everyone away.
Edit: And to respond to the “it’s someone else’s fault.” It may very well be that men are lonely due to their own fault. After all, people who are alone because they pushed everyone away will still exist.
There is a fear in these conversations that solutions will always take the form of, “what do we do for lonely men”. But flip the script for a moment and try to answer, “what can a lonely man do?” And I hope that in finding answers to these questions that lonely men can learn for themselves how to form deeper bonds.
There is not JUST a male loneliness epidemic. Across all demographics, humans are experiencing more loneliness than twenty years ago, and more still from forty years ago.
The reasons that men, and especially young men, are doing considerably worse still than the general population with loneliness largely reflects on those men. We’re doing stupid shit. And yeah, we need some help to stop doing stupid shit and instead start doing pro-social shit. But ultimately, that responsibility rests on us, not on those who would love to help us get our shit together.
And not to be cliche, but we’re genuinely talking about “Not All Men.” We’re talking about men who say: women are dishwashers. Who think: empathy is weakness. Who excuse: all their hatred and selfishness. And then who blame: everyone else. If you don’t see your self in this picture, why get worked up??
No. You, and the meme, are talking about men who are sexist and men who are lonely as if they are synonymous. Whereas, I’m taking a half second and thinking that maybe men are not biologically evil, and that there could exist a man who is not sexist and still feels lonely because male communication styles highly discourage intimacy.
The “not all men” cliche doesn’t fit here. That cliché is about the context of women talking about woman’s issues and/or experiences being dismissed or diminished by men who assert that because they specifically did not perform the action that women are wrong. This is different than saying that men are not a monolith and differences do exist between men that can be categorized.
Case in point: yes, I absolutely relate to the feeling of being lonely. I’ve been the 20 year old boy, living alone in a fly-infested apartment who thought to himself that he is going to die alone. I grew up with a dad who couldn’t handle that I bought a school folder with a cat on it because it was too girly. Even if I wanted to express what I was feeling, I never developed the skills to even identify what I was feeling to even begin talking about it.
It took three years of work before I was able to understand that I was able to want things for myself. I cried in the car after I finally let myself buy a fun treat for myself, and not as part of any reward for something I did, but just because I wanted to.
So yeah, I do get worked up when I see posts like this, because posts like this is everything that I’d see when I was trying to find out why I was feeling so lonely. And the advice they gave then was the same advice you’re giving now: “there is something wrong with you, fix your loneliness by yourself”. And maybe I feel like things can be just a bit easier.
You miss, and reinforce my point.
This meme says the solution to male loneliness is to “stop being an asshole”. Which immediately presumes that the only reason a man could be lonely is because they are bad. It is telling you that entertaining the idea that men are suffering is pointless because their suffering is self-inflicted and the pain will obviously stop once the man takes responsibility and “stops being an asshole”.
But, and this is a wild thought here, what if not all male loneliness is caused by men acting like assholes?
Yes, it is obvious that someone who pushes people away will eventually find themselves with no one. But that is a one way street. It is not true that everyone who finds themselves with no one must have pushed everyone away.
Edit: And to respond to the “it’s someone else’s fault.” It may very well be that men are lonely due to their own fault. After all, people who are alone because they pushed everyone away will still exist.
There is a fear in these conversations that solutions will always take the form of, “what do we do for lonely men”. But flip the script for a moment and try to answer, “what can a lonely man do?” And I hope that in finding answers to these questions that lonely men can learn for themselves how to form deeper bonds.
There is not JUST a male loneliness epidemic. Across all demographics, humans are experiencing more loneliness than twenty years ago, and more still from forty years ago.
The reasons that men, and especially young men, are doing considerably worse still than the general population with loneliness largely reflects on those men. We’re doing stupid shit. And yeah, we need some help to stop doing stupid shit and instead start doing pro-social shit. But ultimately, that responsibility rests on us, not on those who would love to help us get our shit together.
And not to be cliche, but we’re genuinely talking about “Not All Men.” We’re talking about men who say: women are dishwashers. Who think: empathy is weakness. Who excuse: all their hatred and selfishness. And then who blame: everyone else. If you don’t see your self in this picture, why get worked up??
No. You, and the meme, are talking about men who are sexist and men who are lonely as if they are synonymous. Whereas, I’m taking a half second and thinking that maybe men are not biologically evil, and that there could exist a man who is not sexist and still feels lonely because male communication styles highly discourage intimacy.
The “not all men” cliche doesn’t fit here. That cliché is about the context of women talking about woman’s issues and/or experiences being dismissed or diminished by men who assert that because they specifically did not perform the action that women are wrong. This is different than saying that men are not a monolith and differences do exist between men that can be categorized.
Case in point: yes, I absolutely relate to the feeling of being lonely. I’ve been the 20 year old boy, living alone in a fly-infested apartment who thought to himself that he is going to die alone. I grew up with a dad who couldn’t handle that I bought a school folder with a cat on it because it was too girly. Even if I wanted to express what I was feeling, I never developed the skills to even identify what I was feeling to even begin talking about it.
It took three years of work before I was able to understand that I was able to want things for myself. I cried in the car after I finally let myself buy a fun treat for myself, and not as part of any reward for something I did, but just because I wanted to.
So yeah, I do get worked up when I see posts like this, because posts like this is everything that I’d see when I was trying to find out why I was feeling so lonely. And the advice they gave then was the same advice you’re giving now: “there is something wrong with you, fix your loneliness by yourself”. And maybe I feel like things can be just a bit easier.