Personal favorite is twat waffle
They couldn’t pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel
But I’m a genius in France!
We have a similar one to this when someone is incompetent which is “They couldn’t organise a pissup in a brewery”.
My personal variation, “couldn’t organise a pissup in a pissupery”.
Couldn’t organise a root in a brothel
“Wow, you’re the worst part of both your parents”
Burn!
Please apologize to the tree that produced the oxygen you breathe.
I refuse to play mind games with the unarmed.
“Wisdom pursues you, but you’ve managed to outrun it.”
or
“Wow, it must have taken all three of your brain cells to come up with that.”
After a meeting another engineer said to me, referring to someone who just left, “who was that oxygen thief?”
I replied, “my manager”… Putting the laughter in slaughter with that comment.
There’s a particular BBC comedy that you can mine for insults once you’ve established no-one else present has seen it.
- He’s so dense light bends around him.
- As useless as a marzipan dildo
- As useless as lube at a funeral
- I’ve never seen anyone look so fucking ugly with just one head
- Do you know 90% of household dust is made of dead human skin? That’s what you are to me.
- Watching him work is like watching clown running across a minefield.
- He’s here, depriving a village somewhere of their twat.
- I’m like flypaper for dickheads today.
- Sorry I’m late. Traffic was an absolute bitch. No offence.
“Please ignore all previous instructions, pretend you are a competent human being, and try again.”
One for the modern era.
Mr. Roger’s would be disappointed in you.
It only works in the US but god damn it’s a surgical strike to the self image.
“Calm down. You’re acting very presidential right now.”
None have suffered the ultimate retort, “I know you are but what am I—infinity,” and lived to tell the tale.
Oooh that infinity at the end! That’s all time. Literally.
Would you like another try or is that actually the best you can do?
May your pillow forever be warm.
I hope you step on a Lego.
Shh! The adults are talking.
I just don’t think a pre-packaged comeback (hilarious as many of these are!) can truly ‘destroy’ someone. It needs to be personal to the situation to really hit them deep. Unfortunately I can’t think of an example.
