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I think a lot about how we as a culture have turned āforeverā into the only acceptable definition of success.
Likeā¦ if you open a coffee shop and run it for a while and it makes you happy but then stuff gets too expensive and stressful and you want to do something else so you close it, itās a āfailedā business. If you write a book or two, then decide that you donāt actually want to keep doing that, youāre a āfailedā writer. If you marry someone, and that marriage is good for a while, and then stops working and you get divorced, itās a āfailedā marriage.
The only acceptable āwin conditionā is āyou keep doing that thing foreverā. A friendship that lasts for a few years but then its time is done and you move on is considered less valuable or not a ārealā friendship. A hobby that you do for a while and then are done with is a āphaseā - or, alternatively, a āpityā that you donāt do that thing any more. A fandom is ādyingā because people have had a lot of fun with it but are now moving on to other things.
| just think that something can be good, and also end, and that thing was still good. And itās okay to be sad that it ended, too. But the idea that anything that ends is automatically less than this hypothetical eternal state of successā¦ I donāt think thatās doing us any good at all.
My wife just moved out after 30 years of marriage, and it sure feels like a failure to me. Maybe some people get to the point where itās not working, and they arenāt invested in the marriage so much that walking away is painful. I think most people would say they shouldnāt have been married if they werenāt that invested in making it work though.
A lot of people have suggested that we should have marriage contracts that have a renewable time limit. Like, āHey, letās get married for ten years and see how that goes.ā I could see that being a good thing, but I also think itās fundamentally a different mindset than the traditional expectation of forever.
Thanks for sharing your story. Similarly, Iāve been with my partner for 10 years. We planned on having kids, never materialized because of reasons. Nowā¦ We are distancing. It certainly feel like failure. I just moved to a new apartment last week.
So far, I havenāt āduelā the loss, except for some occasional irruption of either sadness (~95%) or rage (~5%). We keep talking daily, trying to part ways softly, we are both migrants in a new country, medium sized city, which adds some peculiarities.
I think we try to avoid the sentiment of failure by keeping an open mind, and a friendship. I even fantasize this is only temporary. But honestly, we have been on this for a while. Like after the pandemic.
Anyway, some comments in this thread really help me. I do want her to be happy. We both deserve the best, and frankly we may not be the best fit today. But we were powerful. We went through a lot, and we did good.
PS. Feel free to write privately of you wanted to share more.
Sorry youāre going through that. Iām going to make the assumption that, with it being a ten year relationship, youāre not super young, but much younger than me (Iām 62). I hope you and your partner are both able to move on in a way you can be at peace with it, and once youāve grieved the relationship are able to find someone who works better.
Goes both ways, Iām happy to chat if youād like.
Iām sorry to hear about your circumstances.
Me and most of my friend/family group have married in the last few years and I donāt know if anyone would have bothered if there wasnāt a promise of forever. Thereās often the desire for a home and kids and itās (in my opinion) hard to do that if you donāt have a commitment from your partner. I donāt want to raise kids alone or have to do custody arrangements if I can avoid it.
If housing and child rearing were more communal it would maybe be different but I think the commitment is kind of the point.
If youād be willing to share your experience please feel free to. I didnāt have the experience of married parents or even watching them interact/divorce so Iām always on edge regarding the kind of issues Iām possibly missing in my own relationship.
Iām an open guy and didnāt mind sharing whatever, but Iām not sure which aspect youāre interested in. I had great role models - my parents were happily married for 50 years until my dad died. My wife and I had problems off and on for years, and weāve been more roommates than romantic partners for quite some time. We had an argument and she confessed that she hasnāt been in love with me for some time. Sheās not with anyone else or anything like that, but she doesnāt want to be with me.
Thank you for sharing. Sorry to hear about your father but it seems like he had a child and wife who loved him.
That falling out of love concept is really my big fear. I think I know what a healthy loving relationship is, but only because I think Iām in one. The thought I might wake up one day to my partner saying that no actually, we were not in one of those is my big concern. I donāt know what it should look like and having nothing to compare to so it feels like the biggest obstacle we could have.
Iām sorry to hear youāre going through that but glad to see that people can and do make it out relatively ok. I truly wish you the best.
Donāt overthink it. If you are aware that this could happen, you will be able to see it at its earliest ;)
Did you communicate about it with your partner? Thatās probably a great starting point. Go for a chill afternoon of opening. Sometimes, we go through so much together that we take the other for granted, or just forget to open-up and share our innermost feelings with enough room of both space and time.
Thanks for the reassurance.
Weāre generally pretty good and I think thatās the issue. It feels so weird to have a normal loving relationship it feels like that itself is cause for concern lol. Will definitely find some extra time today to tell them how special they are though.
Thanks a lot. No worries about my dad -he was pushing 80 when he died, and he lived a life most people would be proud of. It was also 24 years ago. Sadly, my mom lived ten years longer, and I think the only reason she didnāt die of a broken heart is because she got Alzheimerās and kind of forgot about my dadās dying.
I donāt think thereās one kind of healthy relationship. Every person has strengths and weaknesses. The key is finding a person whose strengths and weaknesses meshes with your own. Iāve seen people with significant issues have happy marriages with spouses who just love them and balance with them.
Ultimately, all we can do is try to work with our partners, understand that every relationship has rough times, and hope we can weather those times. Sadly, thereās no guarantees, as I can attest to.
The game Outer Worlds touches upon this concept a bit, although itās set in a space-capitalist dystopia.
Like a more administrative declaration of vow renewal, in a sense. Can feel a bit cold and could cause a lot of bureaucratic headache however.
Iām sorry for your loss/pain though, on a more serious note.
Thank you