SnokenKeekaGuard@lemmy.dbzer0.com to Lemmy Shitpost@lemmy.world · 1 day agoPapa I'm scaredlemmy.dbzer0.comimagemessage-square19linkfedilinkarrow-up1470arrow-down16
arrow-up1464arrow-down1imagePapa I'm scaredlemmy.dbzer0.comSnokenKeekaGuard@lemmy.dbzer0.com to Lemmy Shitpost@lemmy.world · 1 day agomessage-square19linkfedilink
minus-squareParadachshund@lemmy.todaylinkfedilinkarrow-up12arrow-down4·1 day agoI think you’ve improved it a lot, but it loses a little punch with a single sentence in my opinion. I would do: “You are what you eat,” the Blue Fairy told Pinocchio. He gazed toward the elementary school.
minus-squareZozano@aussie.zonelinkfedilinkEnglisharrow-up9arrow-down1·edit-224 hours agoIMO, the second sentence feels like it’s cut off because I’m expecting an adjective at least, like: He gazed toward the elementary school with a glint in his eye. Or, As his gaze drifted toward the elementary school; his nose grew, as he muttered ‘I wouldn’t hurt them’. Though the one-sentence format is preferable for me.
I think you’ve improved it a lot, but it loses a little punch with a single sentence in my opinion. I would do:
IMO, the second sentence feels like it’s cut off because I’m expecting an adjective at least, like:
He gazed toward the elementary school with a glint in his eye.
Or,
As his gaze drifted toward the elementary school; his nose grew, as he muttered ‘I wouldn’t hurt them’.
Though the one-sentence format is preferable for me.