• A_Union_of_Kobolds@lemmy.world
    10211·
    13 hours ago

    Could’ve been one sentence.

    ‘You are what you eat,’ the Blue Fairy told Pinocchio, who turned his gaze on the elementary school.

    Removed unnecessary adjectives, they distract from the punch imo

    I believe it flows better this way, too. The reader goes directly from A to B to C with a brief stop at horror between B and C, right where you want it.

    • tyler
      86·
      18 hours ago

      I think one sentence makes it hit less hard. It’s more surprising with two sentences, and the “sly eyes” and the paragraph break help with it.

    • Trimatrix@lemmy.world
      461·
      18 hours ago

      Failed too efficient. Technically now a one sentence horror story. DQd until revised.

    • [email protected]@sh.itjust.works
      29·
      18 hours ago

      It needs the pause for processing. In a story, yours is preferable. In extreme short form online storytelling, it needs to completely set the stage for the majority of the literary diaspora in those communities to be able to digest it.

    • Uli@sopuli.xyz
      3·
      14 hours ago

      Vonnegut is my favorite, the one I model my own writing style after. Galopagos is my jam.

    • Paradachshund@lemmy.today
      114·
      18 hours ago

      I think you’ve improved it a lot, but it loses a little punch with a single sentence in my opinion. I would do:

      “You are what you eat,” the Blue Fairy told Pinocchio. He gazed toward the elementary school.

      • Zozano@aussie.zoneEnglish
        91·
        16 hours ago

        IMO, the second sentence feels like it’s cut off because I’m expecting an adjective at least, like:

        He gazed toward the elementary school with a glint in his eye.

        Or,

        As his gaze drifted toward the elementary school; his nose grew, as he muttered ‘I wouldn’t hurt them’.

        Though the one-sentence format is preferable for me.

    • Brainsploosh@lemmy.world
      72·
      17 hours ago

      “You are what you eat” the Blue Fairy’s wisdom echoed, as Pinocchios gaze turned towards the elementary school.