Hey,

I feel all of this. I have C-PTSD, Massive Depressive, and ADHD. I’m 37 years old today.

My 20s were just as hard as my childhood, if not harder.

I understand even an end to a short relationship can still be gut wrenching. But I’d like to focus on your statement: “I don’t even know what I need… To get out of the chaos? But chaos feels like home…”

This resonates, and is likely tied directly to how you were brought up.

What happens with children who grow up in chaotic environments is, well, it’s all we know. We don’t know what it’s like to be stable, and chaos is comforting. At your age I would say, stability is boring and for squares, I’m not a square why would I want stability? Shits for boring old people, I want yo be free. Normal is boring.

Thus I unconsciously sought out chaos in my life. I partied on weekend and weekdays alike and would go to a minimum wage job hungover, I would do risky things. But if a professional told me my behavior was risky I would get offended. I just wasnt living thier perfect life, I’m living my life. What did they know? They probably had parents who were awesome and supported them, and they became fucking squares too. fuck that shit. Again, I wanted to be wild, impulsive, free.

What I didnt realize, I was trapping myself. I was giving myself anxiety with drug use (alcohol, weed, LSD, mushrooms). Mostly the alcohol probably was the worst for this. I was living life with my emotional brain on high drive. Drugs and alcohol put your emotional brain as the leader over the logical.

If you can take off work, it might help. I mentioned I job hopped, and would take a month or two off between jobs to recuperate. I didn’t start therapy until I was 32. It took me 6 therapists and four years to find one I like. I’ve now been with her for over two years. I have to keep going because my son, doesn’t have PTSD, thankfully, but does have ADHD and ODD. ODD is really hard.

I will be depressed for the rest of my life, it’s up to me how I deal with it. My mother was on so much medication when I was a kid, and I even tried killing myself at 19 by taking a whole bottle of her Seroquel and sleeping for three days. When I brought it up to her that I did that nearly a decade later, she denied it ever happened. But I assure you, my best friend had just died and I gave it a go myself. But because of the way my mother used her pills, I don’t want any ssris or anything like that. I’ve invested in myself to do the work. Thats not right for everyone, but this was my choice.

One of the most profound moments of my life, I was 26. I was in a new town, and trying to make friends. Went to a concert to meet up with a person I met. They blew me off. I took 3 shots of vodka before heading in, and when they didnt show up I got piss drunk alone. I blacked out. I came to sitting there with the venue owner and a cop. I apparently told someone I wanted to crash my car into a tree and kms. I had run into people I knew there, and instead of talking to them, I went self pity, got drunk, and was pulled out the concert by ambulance. Embarrassing. I ruined the connection I could have had that night. But reall the moment was in the hospital. Once i realized i was stuck in the paych ward, trapped, I looked to one of the staff and said, “oh like youve never ever thought about killing yourself”. This bitch says, no, I haven’t".

I sat the fuck down and realized I needed to chill if I wanted out. I don’t know why it never occurred to me that yes, there are people in thos world who dont live with death always on thier mind, with constant insufferable pain. They did the assessment in the morning, and I cried to her, because you see At 26, I had another best friend die. I blamed myself. She wanted to hang out, I told her I was busy (I wasn’t) and asked for uscto hang out the next night instead. She died thst night hanging out with idk who. Fentanyl laced drugs. She didnt do hard drugs. Anyway. I cried and went home.

I wanted to commit suicide that following winter. I went to the hardware store to buy rope. I ran into an old coworker I worked with before. He asked to help me find what I need and he walked me to the rope. I broke down right there and told him my plan. He spent the next hour and a half talking to me. That man saved my life that night.

It wasnt until I was 33, I quit drinking. I was never sn alcoholic, and could quit easily, but I definitely blacked out too often, and was using it as a cope.

Quitting substances to deal with pain, helped me a lot to get a grip on my mind health. I stopped drinking… four years ago about, (quit LSD five years ago) and I still wish for death sometimes, the world is wild, but I also found things to live for. It happens far less frequently. Like went from twice a month to twice a year.

Please dont use LSD to cope. Ive used it a few times, but one bad trip you can ruin your brain, I’ve seen it happen to others. Please be careful.

I still smoke the reefer daily, and maybe once a year microdose on shrooms, key word micro. But only when I’m in a good headspace already.

But again, all these things are going to amplify the emotional brain, when we really need to engage the logical brain to get relief.

If you need to talk I’m here. Your story really resonated with me and I’ve been there. Maybe I could be an ear.

It can get better. I promise. We need to help you find better tools, thats all. You don’t have to become some white collar square, you can still be an individual while finding peace for yourself.

Realizing the drugs/alcohol were putting me outside of my own decision making was a really strong indicator to me that I wouldn’t actually be free until I let go of them. I was trapping myself in my depressive state using them.

Ill chat with you if you need

1-800-273-8255

Also start looking for a new therapist. Having a good connection/trusting relationship with them is important.

Self medicating is most likely not a long term solution for your problems.