Hi, I’m a 26yo male. 2025 probably have been one of the worst year of my life, I broke up with someone I loved a lot (after 6 months of relationship), I left my old therapist because he wasn’t helping me anymore to seek help from another one that is just unavailable and dishorganized, I might be losing my job (because of my mental health and instability of myself and the job itself), last week I almost killed myself with xanax, lexotan, ketamine and alcohol. I blacked out 2 days. I’m heavily addicted to porn and couldn’t quit after 10 years of attempts.

My therapist told me I might be having PTSD from childhood trauma, my mother was suicidal for a period of time and almost killed me one time by trying to threw me off of a cliff.

I have to take a decision before next week if keeping this job or to leave, which I cannot do for sure because I’m too fucked up and dissociated. In the peaks of my dissociation I struggle talking as well.

My new therapist was unavailable last week when I said I was suicidal, and wasn’t available after my attempt, she just asked “how are you now?” From WhatsApp. This was my first attempt and it came after 5 fucking years of therapy and spent on my mental health which at this point I think was useless.

My last breakup lit the fire up, and it slowly and painfully destroyed everything around and inside me, but I’m not even disappointed at the breakup itself, I’m disappointed at the fact that I took it as the end of the world and have to start everything all fucking over again every single time, from the abyss of suicidal depression and addiction. I’m disappointed at myself mostly because I’m the way I am and I cannot bear anything without destroying my life and the life of others.

I feel consumed in the depth of my bones, fragile, needing some real rest from myself and the world… I think there’s a point if bipolar people spend a lot of time in bed, they are exhausted, I know that feeling, it’s just their body trying to compensate, a biological response to their tiredness.

My only hope at this point resides into psychedelics because that’s the only thing that actually did something for me, and I think I’m planning to take some LSD and face all of this once and for all. I would like to do this with a therapist, but it’s hard to find one that does this and even harder after changing 2 of them already. But as I’m scared to do this alone and having a guide would be far more effective, I will try harder… It’s just that this whole situation feels unbearable and I don’t really know where I’m going.

Today I also had the desire to take benzos like last week, but I knew it would end up in another SA.

I don’t even know what I need… To get out of the chaos? But chaos feels like home… I would just want to sleep for 3 weeks…

  • dontblink@feddit.itOPEnglish
    3·
    10 months ago

    Thank you so much for this.

    I also feel I resonate a lot, I also have a similar feeling for pharmaceutical because my mother have been on SSRIs for years which made me want to avoid those kind of medicines in all ways.

    I do also microcose, I’ve done it for 2 years and it helped last time alongside therapy. Now I recently restarted and it does help but I feel like the problems are definitely more rooted than what a microdose can solve on its own.

    But I hate having to need this stuff, I hate having to need a therapist, and I hate that 5 years of therapy didn’t “repair” me at all.

    Actually I don’t take drugs that often, all the year round I’m a healthy freak because I do whatever I can to maintain my mental health, and I hate seeing that this isn’t enough. And by this I mean swimming 2/2.5km 3/4 days a week and doing yoga 1/2 times a week + cycling almost every day to work. I hate seeing that if I miss a day, I’m at risk of making the whole castle crumble down.

    But when I do, I can very easily lose control, that’s why I stopped drinking when I was 19… For me drinking == being hopelessly drunk… I can manage psychedelics definitely better, but benzos are the same as alcohol if not worse. My therapist suggested me to take xanax “at need” and 5 days later I tried to kill myself with it.

    But of course I also have my very own kind of drug and my sexual addiction, which completely destroys my will to be with others at times, my sex drive, my phisical ability to bond, gave me ED, and it definitely facilitates isolation.

    It feels bad hearing about what happened to you and to your friend, it must feel terrible to lose someone important all of a sudden. I had a cousin dying for heroin. The “irony” is that both of her parents (my uncle and my aunt) were psychotherapists.

    I had my old therapist threatening me with a TSO (obligatory sanitary treatment) when I admitted I wanted to kill myself. I know what it can feel like to face the possibility of being taken away by an ambulance, even tho I of course cannot know how it feels because I never experienced it.

    In my own head my childhood was always a great childhood, that’s why I didn’t understand why I have symptoms which resonates with people with cptsd, I think maybe that wasn’t so great after all… Maybe I tried to hide it? My brother turned out to be looking fine, he can study at university and work, but he is also doing drugs (coke included) periodically.

    I sometimes think I’m just a vicious child who never grew up, being morphed by being the stupid nerd I was when I was younger and never developing social skills. But there must be a reason why for me it was so hard even after trying so much, why relationships can feel so painful and hard. Why I’ve always felt like I was “external” to social situations and people around me felt fake all the time, why sometimes I felt outside of my body, why sometimes I would freeze, why sometimes being so angry I can break stuff…

    Yes it’s crazy for me as well to think there are people who never thought of killing themselves, it’s just like they got a free winning lottery ticket… For long times in my life I felt it was something normal, that I was just not adapting enough to these kind of thoughts. But yeah even if you consider the lack of purpose in our society, all the issues etc I don’t see everyone wanting to kill themselves.

    For psychedelics healing I know there’s a good evidence for them working well in therapeutic contexts, I will see if I can recover the relationship with my therapist and do that with her… Otherwise I will try to find someone else.

    It’s just that I don’t want to deal with this anymore, not just feel better: feeling like I’m in control, and then be taken down again and again… I want this to end… And it’s encouraging when you see people who say a single intentional LSD trip helped them stop smoking or something like this completely after years, or something similar…

    I know maybe I’m just overly attached to this, but the alternative (having to accept myself as I am and living with it) it’s really too painful, too much… And I do not want to be in therapy for 40 years as well…

    Thank you thank you so much for replying to me, you’ve been more helpful than my therapist, it’s good to talk with someone who understands.