• 🇰 🌀 🇱 🇦 🇳 🇦 🇰 ℹ️@yiffit.net
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    1 year ago

    It’s way easier to accidentally misgender people you know than it is for a stranger. I sometimes misgender or deadname my sister because I’ve known her as a him with a different name way longer, and sometimes my brain just resets to factory default.

    • southsamurai@sh.itjust.works
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      1 year ago

      Yup, I’ve been there.

      A friend of mine from the first job I had after high school transitioned maybe ten years ago (a time gap of about twenty years).

      She would get pissed that I would deadname her, and sometimes use the wrong pronouns, partially because I would meet other trans people through her and never fuck up. I kept apologizing, and explained that it isn’t intentional, it’s just decades of brain patterns being laid down with the old name. It took me damn near five years to totally switch over without an occasional fuckup.

      It’s a thing, it turns out. Even the most supportive, staunch allies have trouble switching those patterns because they’re kinda etched into the brain. It happens when people make other name changes too. Happens with titles after promotions, with surnames after marriage, or just random name changes for personal preference. Name changes during transition aren’t any different in the amount of time it takes to switch gears.

      Doesn’t really make it any easier for the trans person, of course, but at least it can help them to know it isn’t intentional.

    • HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world
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      1 year ago

      Hell, I have friends who have changed their names for non-transy reasons. I just kinda suck with names to begin with, so it takes a minute for their names to click so I don’t accidentally deadname Becky (yeah I wonder why she goes by her middle name now) and some of my other friends I’ve known since we were knee high to a grasshopper. Hell, one’s my cousin and it can take me ten minutes to remember which variation of his name he’s using this decade. It’s kind of easier to remember my trans friends’ new names because (at least with my friends specifically) their name change coincided with a look change and I’m a very visual person.

      • batmaniam@lemmy.world
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        1 year ago

        “which name they’re going by this decade”

        It’s boggles my mind some folks (not that you did) bring this up as a refutation of some sort. A habitual Thanksgiving guest has been figuring some stuff out for a while. I couldn’t care less what they go by, except in so far as I hope it makes them happy. Like I guess I’d be happy to see it consistent because that means that person found something they’re extra comfy in, but in meantime you do you… And please pass the gravy… And also what did you think about starfield… Only reason we need to talk about it is if you need someone to talk to.

        • HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world
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          1 year ago

          You’re a little oversensitive to someone sharing their internal process. Some of us suck with names. If you can’t deal with being called the wrong name sometimes, maybe you don’t belong in society.

          • batmaniam@lemmy.world
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            1 year ago

            Fair enough. That’s because I’ll admit it’s not something that makes a ton of sense to me; I’ve always felt pretty comfy in my own skin. On the other hand, I certainly have felt unwelcome, and wouldn’t want someone to feel that way. So it’s nice to hear whats going on in other peoples heads.

    • WalrusDragonOnABike@kbin.social
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      1 year ago

      Haven’t really had to deal with this much, but getting immediate family member’s name correct the first time is a challenge for me even when they’ve always had the same name. If their names start with the same letter, their names may get mixed up often…

  • paddirn@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    From age 40, I keep forgetting how old I am by a year. I thought I was 41 throughout 40, and all through 41 I thought I was already 42. I’ll do the math every few months and realize the mistake, then forget about it and make the mistake again.

  • Bondrewd@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    I would argue that making a mistake or not knowing does not count as misgendering.

    • Cethin@lemmy.zip
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      1 year ago

      The mistake is still a misgender. It’s just whether it’s interpreted as rude or not.

      • Zammy95@lemmy.world
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        1 year ago

        Once they are corrected, it will be MUCH easier to tell if they’re intentionally being rude or not.

        • batmaniam@lemmy.world
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          1 year ago

          I screw this up all. The. Time. I’m very good about not dead naming but really bad at pronouns. It’s never been an issue because I’m putting forward the effort, people understand it’s not intentionally disrespectful, and it helps I routinely get the names (birth names, that they’ve had for 30+ years) of decades long friends wrong.

          I know that doesn’t make it OK and I still try. But people act like if you mess up you’re instantly beaten to death by a mob. Respect and welcomeness shows through even if you screw up. I know it’s important to people, and that the person probably has a bunch of stories that more than justify being prickly about it, so I try and get it right. But it is amazing how much more just, you know, being a basic, respectful, human being who wants someone to be comfortable and talk about shared interests goes.

          And that’s always been a little sad to me. I can stumble through something that means a lot to that other person, something that they’ve probably lost a lot of sleep over, and yet extending just the basics of human courtesy goes so far, because it’s not something that garunteed.

        • CADmonkey@lemmy.world
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          1 year ago

          I misgendered a trans person I worked with once when nobody else was around. I tracked him down later and apologized. He said if he spent all his time being mad about that, he’d always be mad… but I made sure to get it right after that.

      • Bondrewd@lemmy.world
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        1 year ago

        Noo. You have to know the gender to commit the act of misgendering in the first place. You have to believe it is x and yet use y.

  • DragonTypeWyvern@literature.cafe
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    1 year ago

    I thought we had a trans woman at work because some guy kept saying her name wrong. I thought he was being a bigot, turns out he just wasn’t saying it right.

  • Flying Squid@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    Actually had to check my ID last week in order to remember my own birthday

    Not too long ago, I was filling out a form and had to ask my wife my age. She had to think about it for a minute. We’re the same age.

    • WolfhoundRO@lemmy.world
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      1 year ago

      Happened to me several days ago too. Somebody asked me my age and the only thing that I remembered was my birth year. So I said: “I’m born in 19**, can’t do the math.” We laughed it off after that

  • Surp@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    Every person’s birthday that im supposed to remember I usually am a day or two off. I consider that a win!

  • PatFusty@lemm.ee
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    1 year ago

    I misgender people because there is only 1 gender… that is people of god. Woman was made with the rib of man.

    • Nikki@lemmy.world
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      1 year ago

      id rather simply refuse to talk to anyone who uses their religion to justify eradicating my existence, not worth the headache

      they dont use logic to spread their hate, so it doesnt matter what logic you bring to them. they will ignore it and continue to hate no matter how hard you try

  • Decompose
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    1 year ago

    This is actually the real problem with this whole custom gender nonsense. Even in an attempt to do the right thing, you get confused because your brain tells you something but you’re not sure. It caused tons of social awkwardness. It’s not how normal people communicate, and I lived through some real problems that happened when normal people tried to be nice, and the trans person was just being offended for lack of understanding of the situation and how it’s confusing.

    The solution in my case is to just not be friends with anyone who religiously demand to confuse me. Buh-bye!

    Now call me all the names you want. Couldn’t care less.

    • JesusLikesYourButt@lemmy.world
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      1 year ago

      It sounds like you’re doing the right thing by leaving people alone and not bothering them with your company! Good for the people around you!

      • Decompose
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        1 year ago

        Absolutely. I like to keep mentally ill people, including you, away from me.

        Now fuck off.

              • Decompose
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                1 year ago

                In fact, I underestimate your brains. I consider you zoo animals. Fun to watch and hit their cages. Keep screeching… maybe I’ll “feel bad and change my mind” 🤣

                • Afghaniscran@feddit.uk
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                  1 year ago

                  Oh no! not our non-existent cages that you hit, anything but your delusional fantasies 😩 how am I supposed to sleep when you literally do nothing thousands of miles away 😭

              • Decompose
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                1 year ago

                Depends where you’re standing. I love watching you nut jobs label everyone who disagrees with your psychotic cultism. It’s really fun! It’s like having some mice in a cage, and rattle the cage a little. Hahahahahahaha!

                • WarmSoda@lemm.ee
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                  1 year ago

                  Again you’re the only person doing what you’re describing. No one has labeled you anything. You however immediately started labeling people after replying to you.

          • Decompose
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            1 year ago

            Yep, and that person tells you to go fuck yourself too! 😁

          • Iceman@lemmygrad.ml
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            1 year ago

            It’s looks like a person that tries their best to prepetuate their anger and hatred. Their comment history is more of the same. Sad to see really.

          • Decompose
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            1 year ago

            That doesn’t mean you still can’t go fuck yourself!

          • Decompose
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            1 year ago

            Go fuck yourself, too! Don’t forget your little friend there.

            • Afghaniscran@feddit.uk
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              1 year ago

              You sure are acting hysterical. I think maybe you need to take a lie down and a few deep breaths miss.

              • Decompose
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                1 year ago

                I’m having a ball watching you cry for pronouns. Can you be more pathetic? You can’t even if you tried!

                • Afghaniscran@feddit.uk
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                  1 year ago

                  I’m not the one spitting my dummy out like a little girl. If any of us are crying about pronouns, it would appear to be you. You know… since you’re so upset about them existing. I’m merely pointing out how silly you look.

      • Decompose
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        1 year ago

        With honor! Being labeled douche bag by nut jobs just means I’m doing very well!