I apologize in advance if posts like this are not welcome here.
I have a friend circle of 6 guys including me. Before some of us got jobs, we used to play games everyday, hang out together if we are in town. Everyone was chill, enjoyed games more and mostly respected each other to some degree.
After getting jobs we still made time to play and hang out, but not as frequently. I only get time to play games with them on the weekends as my job is in a different time zone. But I still call or text them nearly everyday. Some of them play every single day (kind of addicted to GTA online and valorant for some reason).
But in the last couple of months I have noticed a shift in their behavior. Talking behind each others backs and always getting offended for the silliest of things. This is especially true for those who continued to mindlessly play every single day (they work on the same startup company as well).
I always knew that there was one guy among us who would unnecessarily run his mouth. But I always thought of it as his way of having fun. Mybe it was his way of feeling included. Idk. So I never took any of his ramblings to heart. But everything hits differently now, in a bad way. Every conversation feels like I’m walking on eggshells. Now the others are also starting to become like him.
It’s not just me who thought this way. Another guy who have been besties for a long time with the blabbermouth guy personally called me and told that the whole group feels like it’s infected by something and shared thoughts similar to mine.
I want to call it out, but i’m not sure how to do that in a thoughtful way. I just want them to reflect on themselves, not that I have any right to say that. I’m not afraid of offending them as it’s almost impossible to say anything meaningful without doing so.
Thank you for reading. I hope you have a wonderful day.
Take 1: If I understand correctly, several of them work for the same startup. Frankly, those places are KNOWN to be toxic hellholes because they tend to be run by adulation-seeking narcissists from an upper middle class (entitled) background. Shit rolls downhill and all and your friends may just be picking it up subconsciously and don’t have the ability to really manage the emotions that this is causing. In a phrase: you might end up feeling sorry for them.
Take 2: Are you recently out of high school or recently out of college? Few people really remain friends after this because they get pulled into different directions and their lives change. This causes things to fall apart, but it is nobody’s fault.
Take 3: These people have always been toxic. You didn’t notice it before or didn’t think it was a big deal. Now you notice it and think it is a big deal.
2 of the guys work for the same startup. One of them is the main ‘problem guy’. This guy quickly embodies the traits of the crowd he spends the most time with. So It’s possible that take 1 is the case.
All of us are out of college. We are not too far apart, so we are able to meet up easily if we want to (for now).
On a different note- The start of this friend cricle was centered around gaming. I think some people might have different rules (subconciously) for deciding if a person belongs to a certain group. Maybe… just maybe the fact that I’m not able to play games with them regularly made him (the problem guy) subconsciously think that I’m not part of the group anymore. Especially since I do not adhere to the core values (gaming everyday). It’s possible that has caused a seperation in the group. I think I’m overthinking this. So I’ll leave it at that.
Now that I look at it, the ‘toxic’ nature may be a sum of all of the above mentioned takes.
Nearly every “startup” I’ve been at was pretty toxic.
From the CEO who bragged about working 100+ hours, to the brown nosers who tried to impressed the company by sniping coworkers and creating cliques.
I’m glad you said “nearly”, because indeed I worked only in one startup and it wasn’t toxic, maybe because we we just marginally successful and there were like 10–15 people at most, half of them being the same ones during the whole lifetime of about three years our startup existed. Also we were as far away from the Silicon Valley as it can get, so that may also be a factor
That helps a lot. If the CEO mixes in those circles, the only way for the CEO to survive (i.e. be taken seriously by their CEO peers) is to bump their salary significantly and develop some kind of rallying ethos to separate them from other startups. It turns into a heavy peacocking game where the only way to survive is to flex the hardest.
Startup CEO’s can very quickly divorce themselves from their worker peers just by trying to survive in the SV CEO peer circle.
I am at one and it’s incredibly toxic. I got diagnosed with generalized anxiety after a year here and I regularly have mood swings. But the money is good and I work from home, so I’ve got that going for me.
Glad you got diagnosed. There’s a ton of bad management in startups. Especially stay away from managers that grew up in toxic shops.
I’ve always been a strong employee. People get good at pushing buttons. Spent more time in a divorce therapy talking about a manager than the personal issues.
Realized for every boundary problem I had, there were n alienated people on my team that really got hurt hard. Sr. Management fixed the issue
Be good at taking breaks. Be good at looking for new roles before you need them.
Often; the money side that seems big to employees is new house rich. If you aren’t happy, it’s not worth it.
Thanks friend, some wise words there.
The main toxic boss got ‘laid off’ shortly after I brought up the issues with management, so things have improved since then. And Zoloft made me realize I had an underlying issue with a lot of things, so I guess it was the push I needed.
I’ve been at a handful now and so far they’ve all been great places to work, though a little unstable.
I’ve done one. Not worth it in my opinion.