Usually I am a person who is generally reasonable I think and mature. However yesterday it all went 180 degrees. It all started in the morning, I already felt very energetic on that day but not in a good way so to say but in this kind of way like when you drink too much coffee and can’t calm yourself.

I had to drive for an hour to my family member. While driving I already felt certain disconnection from external world as if it all was a bit foggy. Alright sometimes happens whatever, it will pass soon enough. However there was unplanned roadblock and huge traffic jam that I suddenly found myself in.

Stuck in it I really got restless, I couldn’t find music that would soothe me. Finally Lana del ray Black Beauty. Wow I felt so high like on some drugs when listening to it. I started to think that other people stuck in traffic jam can hear what I play in the car as it was on max volume and I liked it. I thought: hey maybe I am this sort of DJ right now and should serve them something good and we will all have a good time.

Strange thinking.

I felt kinda out of it. As the traffic jam dispersed I had unreasonable yearning for drifting. Every bend I tested the limits to the wheels traction, excited what will happen if I push it too hard but my engine is too small for any oversteer. Still, my style of driving turned violent.

I managed to get to my family member even though I was bored out of my mind by an uneventful journey for some reason. It was like an itch I couldn’t scratch.

Anyhow after some time with my family member it became apparent that she is a bit demented today. Okie dokie I mean you just gotta not listen to her too much and do stuff you think is good according to the plan. However she for some reason wanted to give money to certain neighbor lady that did some half assed ‘repairs’ in the past but never asked for money. And my old lady did go outside and gave her 85 dollars when I took a nap.

That really rustled my jimmies. I got very suspicious. Who is taking advantage of my family member? It felt like a personal attack on me and I couldn’t let it slide. I must solve this and see what the heck is happening.

For some reason I took a heavy wrench into my pocket. I felt excited and sort of like finally some kind of itch is being scratched. I asked my grandma with an innocent smile who she paid to for that ‘service’ or whatever that neighbor demanded payment for. I got the address.

Excited, grinning I went to the address that was a very short distance from the house, smiling the whole way for some reason.

I called on the intercom ‘hello I am here to see ms xyz’, the staircase door opened and I stepped inside and went for the door, straight to the doorbell.

It was getting kinda foggy my reasoning and everything. I just remember I was smiling and looking very deep in the eyes and was very polite but I felt like I could do anything in that moment. Like I wanted to see some signs in their eyes, of hostility. I wanted to see something in their eyes that would make me go bonkers you know. I waited for a signal.

I don’t remember too much. It was a bit of a blur but after some very strange but polite and calm conversation I have left the building. I remember feeling unsatisfied. Something was scratched but only partially. The longing was still there. I didn’t care about the money. My driving didn’t improve. It wasn’t enough.

I kind of still feel it on the ends of my teeth like there is some kind of electricity on my palate, like a hunger maybe, but I feel like a much more reasonable and sane person today.

I think it will pass completely during the coming days and will not show itself unless some kind of weird situation arises again that will require taking care of. I think that you have to take care of your business and solve things, otherwise people will rob you and use you if you let them. It is all very personal if someone exploits your grandma while you are there taking a nap. It felt good to take care of the business but it didn’t quite felt fully satisfying. There is still something unresolved here.