I always took it as an early red flag that the person is way too intense and stressful to be around if every conversation has to be a do or die dynamic.
The only people in real life i have met who have ever complained about small talk were in the context of “i do not care enough about [the people around me] to pay attention to anything [they] say not directly relevant to me/my hyperfocus” and i just realize they’re the “everyone else is an npc” crowd and let them be sulky all the time and hate every social thing they have to do, and I’ll have a fine time chatting with the cashier about her day! These are always the same people who say everyone else is boring, not that they have given anyone the time of day.
Tbh if they see others like that im happy to not give them my time and show interest in them either. All social is give and take on every level and those people are always takers. We’re where we are now because of people who can’t bother to care about the lives of others.
It’s not that it has to be that exciting. Just don’t talk endlessly about shit that doesn’t matter. You bought a new kind of mustard, I don’t need a 20 minute explanation on why. To me, someone who can’t exist without noise, or making noise is a red flag. That being said, early on in the relationship is different because you’re still trying to get to know them.
I agree. I think they’re looking at this wrong or maybe just picked a poor example of what they’re trying to explain. Talking about hobbies and things that excite you isn’t a red flag at all.
That’s it. Hobbies? Interesting musings? Sure. Even how their day was. But nobody is excited enough about mustard to hear about it for that long. Or people who “think out loud” they say something and I’m like “what?” They respond “just thinking out loud” or “talking to the dog” and then get mad at me for not listening to the important stuff because I simply don’t have the time or mental capacity to filter that.
But nobody is excited enough about mustard to hear about it for that long
I think this is different.
The issue is people who can’t read the room. People just blabbing and talking AT someone. That’s not even small talk. That’s just holding someone verbally hostage.
Right, but like I pointed out several times, they’re not any more excited about the mustard than I am. They just like hearing themselves talk. And it wasn’t about trying the new one, it was just 20 minutes about why the mustard she used to get wasnt good enough anymore. Like 20 minutes of mustard bashing just to say “I thought I’d like to try a new one”.
I think you’re viewing this wrong. If my friend is a foodie and really excited about their new mustard I’d want to hear them be excited about it and know why they like it.
Yup. If my SO and I don’t have anything more urgent to say, we generally talk about upcoming plans, like next year’s vacations, shopping lists, etc. We almost never talk about the weather unless we’re planning to be out in it.
Been together >10 years, small talk is pretty rare and largely reserved for entertaining guests.
I was here first so no, I’m not going away or to ‘where I cam from’. Especially considering You’re the one who invited yourself here. You seem pretty desperate to have interaction with someone who is fine with small talk. I would have thought you’d catch that drift and go back to where you came… I even left the warning there for you to avoid. I wasn’t exactly hiding it. Small talk isn’t going away. But you can choose to avoid it or cry about it more, fragility.
I always took it as an early red flag that the person is way too intense and stressful to be around if every conversation has to be a do or die dynamic.
The only people in real life i have met who have ever complained about small talk were in the context of “i do not care enough about [the people around me] to pay attention to anything [they] say not directly relevant to me/my hyperfocus” and i just realize they’re the “everyone else is an npc” crowd and let them be sulky all the time and hate every social thing they have to do, and I’ll have a fine time chatting with the cashier about her day! These are always the same people who say everyone else is boring, not that they have given anyone the time of day.
Tbh if they see others like that im happy to not give them my time and show interest in them either. All social is give and take on every level and those people are always takers. We’re where we are now because of people who can’t bother to care about the lives of others.
It’s not that it has to be that exciting. Just don’t talk endlessly about shit that doesn’t matter. You bought a new kind of mustard, I don’t need a 20 minute explanation on why. To me, someone who can’t exist without noise, or making noise is a red flag. That being said, early on in the relationship is different because you’re still trying to get to know them.
I’m sorry that’s a red flag. Some of us honestly just want to share what excites us with the person(s) who we are excited to be around.
Small talk imo is those “feeler” questions. Hows the weather? See that thing on TV? How was traffic? You having the case of the Mondays?
It’s just noise to break the silence. I don’t have patience for it. Speak your intentions.
You wanna talk about your train collection? Do it. That’s not small talk, that’s a topic.
“I had the worse weekend. Can I tell you about it?” Straight to the point with their Intention.
“Did you know there’s a New Mustard based on ancient seeds found in Mongolia?” Real direct intention.
I agree. I think they’re looking at this wrong or maybe just picked a poor example of what they’re trying to explain. Talking about hobbies and things that excite you isn’t a red flag at all.
That’s it. Hobbies? Interesting musings? Sure. Even how their day was. But nobody is excited enough about mustard to hear about it for that long. Or people who “think out loud” they say something and I’m like “what?” They respond “just thinking out loud” or “talking to the dog” and then get mad at me for not listening to the important stuff because I simply don’t have the time or mental capacity to filter that.
I think this is different.
The issue is people who can’t read the room. People just blabbing and talking AT someone. That’s not even small talk. That’s just holding someone verbally hostage.
Yes! Thank you! That was a better way to word it.
Some people are, but more importantly it’s about sharing your conversation partner’s excitement because you care about them, not the mustard.
(Also, life’s more fun when you let yourself be excited by the mundane. We all die some day.)
Right, but like I pointed out several times, they’re not any more excited about the mustard than I am. They just like hearing themselves talk. And it wasn’t about trying the new one, it was just 20 minutes about why the mustard she used to get wasnt good enough anymore. Like 20 minutes of mustard bashing just to say “I thought I’d like to try a new one”.
I think you’re viewing this wrong. If my friend is a foodie and really excited about their new mustard I’d want to hear them be excited about it and know why they like it.
Not a foodie. A talker.
Yup. If my SO and I don’t have anything more urgent to say, we generally talk about upcoming plans, like next year’s vacations, shopping lists, etc. We almost never talk about the weather unless we’re planning to be out in it.
Been together >10 years, small talk is pretty rare and largely reserved for entertaining guests.
As a person who doesn’t really like to talk to most people and believe silence is fine… Let us have this do or die conversation.
Then return back to where you came from.
I was here first so no, I’m not going away or to ‘where I cam from’. Especially considering You’re the one who invited yourself here. You seem pretty desperate to have interaction with someone who is fine with small talk. I would have thought you’d catch that drift and go back to where you came… I even left the warning there for you to avoid. I wasn’t exactly hiding it. Small talk isn’t going away. But you can choose to avoid it or cry about it more, fragility.
Uh wut you took this really personally. It was a comment.
You okay?