Wasn’t sure if I wanted to put it out there, but I needed a place to let it out. I suppose my situation was too good to be true. Dated for years, but the marriage itself did not make it to a single year, at least unofficially.
It’s been a stressful time. She previously had a government job under an agency that doge culled. She loved her job. I realize that as a society we work too much, but to some degree people do want to feel productive and that many people find their workplaces to be places of belonging. She apologized for taking so long to come to this conclusion, but she mentioned that this time away from work has helped a lot with self-reflection.
I was aware that she considered herself bi previously and that she had relations with women before. I wasn’t aware of the extent of it. She told me she felt compulsory heterosexuality for a long time, but wasn’t entirely sure of it and I was her last chance in regards to men. She told me she still loved me, just not that way, and that I was the best partner she’d ever had, that she was remorseful about not being compatible in that regard. We discussed a lot of more private feelings, mostly trying to understand and showing concern for each other.
I support her. If that’s how she feels then that’s how she feels, and she deserves to be happy. I’m not angry with her, and we’re not leaving each others lives, just changing roles. It still hurts a lot, but that’s life sometimes. It isn’t anyone’s fault.
That said I’m glad I won’t be doing anything tomorrow. I’m just struggling to function right now. And yeah, that’s how it’s going.
Edit: I slept in today quite a bit. I’ve read through most of the replies and it really melted my heart. I cried a bit. I didn’t expect so many kind words or this much encouragement. I appreciate a lot of the advice too. I don’t really know how to express any gratitude beyond this. I will try to reply a bit more later, but I need to take some more time to myself for a while. Thank you.
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Hey OP, I can’t say I understand the hurt you must be going through but just know that you’re a damn good human being and it will get better man.
I know it hurts a lot right now. At the same time it is a huge compliment that she chose you as her last try. You got to be amazing.
I’ve had this happen, I know exactly where you are. Only difference was that he came to the conclusion months before I was let in on it and was not given the chance to discuss it before he broke things off and assured me it was well, well over.
My heart goes out. It’s heartbreaking. You’re doing this right. It’s hard but your heart is in the right place through the pain.
I’m cheering for you from over here. Keep being amazing.
At least she came… Right?
I’d be totally outraged if I was you. She dated/married you under false pretenses. It is totally her fault.
You deserve to be happy to. Why should you sacrifice your happiness for hers? I’m guessing maybe that’s what you have been doing all along and that’s why she ‘chose you’. I’d feel incredibly used, and frankly, abused.
Well, good thing he’s a better and more mature person than you
self-respect is immature?
Being a completely inconsiderate cunt is not self-respect.
It’s understandable to be unhappy/frustrated at the situation, but completely vilifying her is indeed immature. Shit happens, people change. It’s not like she planned all this.
It’s understandable to be unhappy/frustrated at the situation
it is actually not. she is not his wife, it is not his business.
Being angry with people for hurting you and lying to you is vilifying them? Sorry, are you suppose to what, be happy they did it?
Shit does happen. That doesn’t mean people are blameless for their actions. When a DUI driver kills or hurts someone, do you think they planned it? Of course not. But we still hold them accountable for the harm they caused, and the victims of their actions should be angry.
OP’s wife knew she was struggle with her identity, and went into this marriage full bore. She knew what she was doing. Maybe OP is partially at fault for accepting that into his life, as well, but that assumes she was totally honest with him from the start, which she may not have been. As he says ‘not the full extent’, as in she downplayed or mislead him.
Then she further piles it on, as if this relationship was her ‘last chance’ to be straight. I wonder how OP would have felt if she told him that before they got married? By his account, her intent was to be deceptive and dishonest about her sexuality, perhaps to them both.
no, “me, me, me” is immature. that is literally toddler’s level of development.
his wife’s actions are entirely ‘me me me’.
at what point did she ever respectful consider his feelings when she agreed to date him as bisexual? and then marry him? she didn’t. she only considered hers.
go back to your cave.
right, you’re the mature one, slinging random insults on the internet at strangers because they said words that made you uncomfortable. or they articulate a POV you haven’t considered that challenges your sentimentality or sexist assumptions.
the height of emotional maturity, that.
you didn’t make me uncomfortable, i just think you are immature clown. you are the one made uncomfortable and having meltdown because of someone else’s wife who is definitely none of your business.
What’s the point of impotent rage? At this point you can’t argue someone into owing you recompense of happiness. OP has a right to be hurt, but anger is pointless and only leads to depression.
there isn’t a point to feelings. but it’s better to just express them and get them out than bottle them up.
denying feelings fucks you up and leads you to do messed up abusive stuff. Like OP’s wife denying her feelings about her homosexuality and leading to this.
I can be gay and never have sex with a man. That’s fine. But if I feel that way and I lie about it and date a woman claiming I’m not gay, that’s messed up. I’m lying, and denying and hurting someone else in the process. And that is entirely my fault. She would not be to blame at all, she’d be a victim of my lack of honesty about my own sexuality.
I support her. If that’s how she feels then that’s how she feels, and she deserves to be happy.
Your marriage may be finished, but you are an amazing human being and you succeed at being a good person. I’m sorry for your situation, it sucks, but with time you both will be okay and find new respect for each other. Sending Internet hugs.
She told me she still loved me… that she was remorseful about not being compatible in that regard… I’m not angry with her… It isn’t anyone’s fault.
You’ve already vocalised all the important stuff you need, right there.
The is the most adult story I have read in a while, and that’s meant on every level.
OP I hope you and your wife/partner/best wingman ever(whatever y’all land on 💜) the absolute best. All the hugs.
You got this, dog. Whatever happens, you’re also important and deserve love too ❤️
We’ve had one wife, yes. What about second wife?
Its a deep disruption, but atleast… At least its not finding out shes too close with two defensemen from the local AA hockey team. Now i cant even enjoy another Utah Mammoth game as long as i live.
Fuck. That’s rough. I got cheated on while she was on a two month trip to Israel. I wasn’t Jewish enough (at all). And it was summer '23, right before things escalated. I had to make sure it didn’t turn me into a hateful piece of shit, but couldn’t watch the news for a long time
Bro. Are you doing okay? Holy shit.
I went through the same thing like 12 years ago. Married 15 years, wife comes out of the closet suddenly (I should mention, I caught her making out with a gal at a party, so she didn’t have a choice really). It was hard to wrap my head around for a long time because, as far as I could tell, there was nothing leading up to it. We had a great sex life, mostly great marriage, kids, mortgage, the works. We argued like most couples do over money and things like that but it was never anything we couldn’t solve. I found out that this is a lot more common than people think. I ended up in therapy because, like others said, it’s like someone dying. The person you knew isn’t really there anymore. At least, that’s how it feels. My ex and I are friends now, and I’m friends with her wife as well but that took a lot of years. Talking to a counselor really helped me come up with, and stick to a plan. We got married right out of high school so really, we didn’t even know who we were or what we wanted. No one should get married before age 30. Struggling to function is your right, so don’t beat yourself up. I didn’t eat for 4 days and lived mostly on coffee and cigars (she hated my occasional cigar, so when she cheated I went out and bought a box of them. petty but whatever).
It warms my heart that you still want to be friends with her and not rip things up completely. It must have been so difficult for her to come out, given that she would risk losing you completely. I hope you find a way to move forward from this. It is as you said nobody’s fault.
My sympathies to you for having your life shaken like this…
This is a terrible thing to go through. I’m sorry it is happening. I hope better things come your way in the future.
This would be a very convenient time to discover you’re trans
I jave a friend whos lesbian. Years ago, her partner ended up realizing they were trans, eventually transitioned to male, then a couple months later decided they were still gay- so now only interested in other males.
Weirdly common experience for trans people.
There’s a joke that E makes you like men, and T also makes you like men.
I deeply sorry. Give yourself as much time to grieve as you can. It’s not your fault, but that won’t make it hurt less. Sounds like you have been all anyone could have asked for.
If you can, reach out to your support system outside of her. Staying close is good in the medium/long term but some distance in the short can help you settle into a new normal.
Take care.
I saw this post last night and I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to respond earlier.
I know a couple that this happened to about 20 years ago. They were younger at the time, and it was like she was gay to begin with, decided not to be, married a guy, and after a few years decided it wasn’t working out of nowhere and went back to being gay. It was very rough for him, he blamed himself, felt strung along, and was miserable for a long time before they broke up. I’ve seen where your at before. You’ll get through this and be better for it. Just…not this week, probably. Give it some time.
First off, don’t blame yourself for any of this, or for any feelings you may or may not be having. You didn’t make her gay, you didn’t break her, and likely couldn’t have prevented this. You did nothing wrong. Which is not to say that there’s even blame to be assigned. Society is crazy and can make people crazy. It’s very possible that had your ex lived in an LGBT-friendly place before she met you, or had a family that was more loving and encouraging, or maybe even therapy to talk about some event or situation that led her to feel like allowing compulsive heterosexuality to change her, you never would have gotten married.
Second, people need time to figure out who they are, and a lot of people who got told they were shitbags and their careers were crimes and then were part of the development industry that is now almost entirely gone are all going through stuff right now. A lot of them spent years “being” their job, and now that they’re free of that self-identity and people around them expecting the same person as 20 years ago, they’re figuring themselves out for the first time in a long time. Decades of changes of heart might be wrapped up in that. Decades of growing as a person. Sometimes just in general couples grow apart, regardless of sexuality.
You’re also experiencing huge loss right now. Nothing is going to change that and you just need to take time to process it, be with friends, be alone - whatever you need. I would say that studies show that aspirin does help ease heartbreak, and that drinking too much doesn’t help as much as it might seem. Take some you time, get space, talk to anybody, get therapy. Whatever seems like a good fit for you.
I will say that the silver lining you might be able to claim here, one day in the future, is that your ex may have always been this person she is now, or has grown into herself like this. Not all people get the opportunity to do that, and it’s your love and care and relationship that gave her as a human being the place to feel safe to be who she feels like she is.
Which is not to say that this isn’t entirely 1000% shitty for you. You’ve given a lot of yourself. Rough are the hands of the gardener, and she’s the flower. Which means that when taking time to step back, to get some space, look at yourself as well. Your life is changing, no matter what. How do you want it to go from here on out? Not a question to ask today maybe. Ask yourself in a couple weeks and a couple months. Ask yourself how the time being married helped you grow. What did you learn about yourself? What can you take from this experience and use to fuel you being a better person.
I’m sorry for your loss. Not just of a spouse, but of the life you expected to live today and tomorrow and next year. But you’ll make it through this. It’s always nice to have a 30 second training montage covering weeks of work. There’s no montage here, just work. We’re all rooting for you and want the best for you, and if you want to chat more just to talk through things, DMs are always open.
