Trying to get more discussion in here and I’m often curious whether people who take part in online kink discussions attend events and such
I was involved in the Boston scene up until 12 years ago. But, for reasons, I wound up moving to a small city in Australia for seven years that had no scene at all. Then, to a medium sized city in France for two years, which had a scene but I wasn’t there long enough to really connect. I’m in Vancouver, BC right now, which has a scene. But I’ve got a kid and work and other stuff going on. I definitely support local community. It’s where I got my start back in the late 90s. If you can, connect.
That’s fair, I’ve done the small city thing and I definitely know people who have to drop out for a few years because life gets busy and other things become more important
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Yeah that’s similar to my experience except I have a mistress for a wife (we met in the scene actually)
And thanks, I think that a lot of people who’ve only done online discussions may not understand all the value that comes from a local scene from vetting of partners to vetting of information and skills. I know how good some of my skills are because people I’ve learned to trust as level headed and experienced either taught me or advocated for the people who did. And I can weigh advice by the fact that I have a general read on the giver’s success with it
For my part, I run an event, attend several others and am a known member of my local leather and power exchange scenes
I live in a red town near the exact center of nowhere. Across the river is an equally small university town, which has 3 recurring events on fetlife. It’s all underground because of the local Christian majority. I’m not even sure if that town has a gay bar.
One of the groups is exclusively for university students, which I am not. Another group meets at a bar, but the bus schedule prevents me from attending the entirety of it. Finally there is the munch, the only notable bdsm gathering within 50 miles. So far as I’ve seen, they don’t organize play parties but rather commute across the state to a place so remote there’s no cell reception.
Back around 2018, there was a munch in the red town. They disbanded because of low attendance or perhaps substance abuse or other elements. (There’s something in the water here.)
I’ve never organized an event, but I’ve been to a few and met some interesting people. Now that I’m stuck in a town that’s 5% of the size needed for a healthy kink scene (or even basic infrastructure) I’m riding the bus a lot and going to everything I can. I’m not in my 20s anymore. I’m feeling anxiety I didn’t feel at my peak. Honestly, people in my area are (ఠఠ益ఠఠ) gross and that makes it difficult to find anyone I could have a relationship with, let alone a 24/7 dynamic.
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I’ve only had sexual experiences in major cities, so just going to meetings and listening to people talk (most of them either 20ish or 50ish, not many folks in their 30s) is a step down for me. Add to that my inability to perform as a top or in any heteronormative role, and that shrinks my dating pool significantly. I know for some people BDSM is just an activity, but as a differently-pleasured queer I find it very difficult to relate to normal women, and there is sometimes a disconnect with the poly/swinger crowd because of the expectation of sex (as they understand it). I would like to talk more about these things.
Ope that sucks. And yeah low attendance is a serious plague on new events. When you start one you basically commit to a year or so of being stood up every month
I will say though, people find each other at all ages in this lifestyle. Yeah, being in your 20s makes it easier, I’m not going to act like being an attractive 20 something didn’t contribute to me getting my wife. But I’ve been making out with a hot 50 year old. My girlfriend was in her 30s when we met. And I have friends who I have immense respect for who got together after being widowed. Be yourself and find community where you can and you may find yourself surprised at what you find
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I’m not - we did attend one event, they had a remarkably fantastic DJ, but it seemed insular and not friendly, we did see some rigging that looked like disinterested macrame, some flogging that was interesting, e-stim also interesting but overall just not really good for us, it’s so very much about sex for us personally, and was a surprisingly unsexy scene (this is not a criticism just an observation - if it works for you it works).
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Yeah it wasn’t just that, also the cliquishness, just felt very outsidery. There were defined groups of people so unless you came in attached to one of those existing groups, nobody talks to you. We weren’t looking to literally fuck anyone, just expected something hotter I guess? My God I loved that DJ though.
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That sounds great to me! At least you saw it. For me personally, vanilla sex is very difficult to enjoy, so if there’s ever a chance to get whipped, choked, or whatever, I take it. Some cities have sex-positive clubs that do kink events involving sex, but maybe you’re looking for a private party.
