Just as the ducks at the park are free, there is also no legal requirement to answer the phone in particular way. Hit folks with a, “Ahoyhoy”, “Howdy”, “Whats good brother?”, or for the more adventurous, “Ralphs Roadkill Cafe. You kill it, we grill it.”
“Dave’s pizza and abortion clinic, your loss is our sauce” is a particularly spicy one I’ve heard.
Jim’s abortion clinic … We deletus your fetus
Fetus Deletus was my favorite spell to cast at Hogwarts.
“You rape em, we scrape em”
(I do not condone this message)
I usually get people with: “Anons Morgue: you kill ‘em, we chill ‘em.”
In my family it was variations of “Hello, Joe’s whatever. Insert rhyme here.”
One of my favorites was “Joe’s mortuary, you stab 'em we slab 'em.”
My dad’s go to is “Joe’s Bar and Grill, this is Grill speaking”. Sometimes he’ll shake it up and answer as Bar instead
“Jimbo’s Fish Fry; you hook 'em we cook 'em!”
Was always my favorite. Probably because I would love to take a restaurant a bucket of fresh-caught bluegill and come back in a couple hours to dinner. Filleting all those little bastards is a pain…
“You bag 'em, we tag 'em”
My go to is “Yellow”
Mine is somewhere between yellow and howdy. If you call a Texas Drunk you should be prepared for a “Yeowdy”.
I usually hit my friends with the “sup fuckface”
I throw a fucko out there into the world every now on then
Snackbar Harry, Harry speaking
“Duffy’s Morgue, you stab em we slab em.”
Moshi Moshi
I like the explanation that devious spirits cannot say this phrase and that’s why it’s used. Apparently it’s also just a casual way of saying “I’m ready to talk” and was used by early telephone operators in Japan. It’s most likely people just ended up copying the phrase from operators and aren’t worried about being tricked by foxes.
Mosh moof
Fuck, I can’t do it, they’re right!
Better luck next time, nine-tails.
I like the explanation that devious spirits cannot say this phrase and that’s why it’s used
Evil spirits can not say the same word twice in a row. Foxes can not say “moshi”. With “moshi moshi” you get a 2-for-1 special.
Japanese people answer their phone like that, everything is fine.
I answer my phone like that, I’m branded a weaboo for the rest of my life.
I can’t read this phrase anymore without reading it in Admiral Kizaru’s voice automatically.
I love the fact that Burns answers the phone this way. Subtle jokes like this are the reason why The Simpsons is infinitely rewatchable.
Fuck Edison.
Graham-bell isn’t better. He was super duper ableist and pressured Helen Keller to identify with her blindness instead of her deafness
Edison deserves hate for more than that
slow heavy breathing
open mouth chewing on potato chips “Yeah?”
“TIMMY, put those down!”
[child shrieking in the background]
Angry Silence
With adjusted volume to make it louder for the listener
Edison was a cunt.
Edison was apparently quite successful, to the point where some languages other than English have a word that sounds like “hello” (for example, Russian “allo”) which is used only when answering the phone.
French as well I think
Yeah there’s a whole TV show about that from the 80s.
That makes sense cause in Brazil we say “alô” when answering the phone, a word that only seems to exist for this single purpose.
In Thailand, they use the the German hallo (hello).
In Finnish we also say “haloo”
Funny thing: “Hello” was actually not a common greeting until that point.
I’ve always been curious how people greeted each other before “hello”. Did we just say “good day” and variations thereof?
Most English speakers actually used “wazzup” like those Budweiser commercials
Greetings, traveler.
Well met!
Have you ever heard of the high elves?
Are they the elves that say “hi”?
No, they are the elves that smoked all of your weed.
Greetings and salutations, pilgrim.
Well, Howdy is a contraction of “How do you do?”, hence the somewhat rarer “Howdy do!”, and Goodbye is a contraction of “God Be With You!”
I didn’t know that about ‘goodbye’! Words are fascinating, huh.
I believe “hello” itself was more of an exclamation (like “hi”, in fact) and supposedly comes from the Dutch “hollo”. Some people in the UK still use it as such, in fact.
Adios and adieu also both refer to god; I’m sure other Romance languages say goodbye similarly but I don’t know Italian or Romanian or whatever
opens phone, “…moshi mo…” infinibonked for weebery
So apparently the new shit spam evil calls can record the most minimal sample of your voice and then spoof it to your friends and family…
It almost seems worth saying nothing until ‘they’ say something, but then, what if they are a spoofed caller…
Oh shit. Just don’t use phones any more.
If you don’t recognize the number, answer in a funny accent. That’s how you defeat the voice harvesters.
ring ring Sombrero repair, como es?
ring ring [deep voice] Investigations.
ring ring HJECKIN?
ring ring [high pitched voice] OOIIO BO IMA SO GLAD YE RANG DOLLINGA
ring ring thinkyefurcullinpapajhonzzewoodyalacktatryourpapalopadoussoosageasperigusdoughdopoloostoday?
ring ring [monkey noises]
ring ring OOOOOHHHHHHHH COME ON EILEEN, I BEG OF YA PLEASE
ring ring [raspy voice] Jerome?
ring ring [dictation voice, right up against microphone] THANK YOU FOR FALLING KMART. PLEASE LET US KNOW WHAT YOU ARE CALLING ABOUT SO WE MAY DIRECT YOUR CALL
ring ring [moaning so intense it would make Sarah Grey blush]
ring ring WEAR MAH CHIL’ SUPPORT AT JEROME
ring ring [play Gilbert Garfield directly into microphone]
Then they just scam your friends family with you doing a funny voice.
ring ring “Drinking urine and help with kidney stones”
Unless I am expecting a call, such as a delivery I just dont answer phone calls, if it’s important they will call again, if it’s less important they can message me like a normal human being.
I had a friend try to use AI to mimic my voice and make me say some goofy stuff and it sounded nothing like me, so I think I’ve lucked out on that front
It has been a while though, and it’s possible the technology has progressed to be able to clone my uncloneable voice
!I was tempted to say chat member but I hate advertising or talking about that at all, so enjoy this spoiler explaining something that didn’t need explaining!<
I mostly don’t ever answer calls I don’t recognize, and even the ones I do I don’t often answer if I’m at work etc. I’ve only answered calls when it’s for something important being delivered, fixed, or scheduled (recent examples in same order: TV, Internet, renting a place(less recent, but all I could think of)).
Had to look it up, and the story is actually really interesting. Heres a great article from NPR
https://www.npr.org/sections/krulwich/2011/02/17/133785829/a-shockingly-short-history-of-hello
Ahoy hoy
Excellent
Ahoy, guys.
Be the change you want to see in this world, don’t let Thomas Edison continue to shit on everything from his grave.
my go-to when im forced to answer unknown callers is “who is this?”. then i disconnect if they dont answer my question
“Who dares to disturb my slumber?”
spoiler
asdfasfasfasfas
To me it sounds like OP’s opener is exactly for people who aren’t contacts saved in his phone. It sounds perfect to me
spoiler
asdfasfasfasfas
20 years ago, yes
These days, the only people who call me are creditors (who aren’t supposed to) and scammers
If you just add "hi’ to the beginning then it’s a perfect middle. “Hello, who is this?” Nothing is better than letting it go to voicemail, but sometimes you’re in a situation where you might be expecting a call from an unknown number
i dispense with pleasantries when my expectation is not neutral :-)
The only folk who have trouble identifying themselves when calling my private phone, are spammers.
