What else would happen in Heck?
The bimetallic strip in your rice cooker is always slightly off no matter how much you fiddle with it.
You’re always stuck behing a tractor on small roads.
Your text editor randomly uses a whitespace character whenever you press space.
Everything is lighted with slightly old fluorescent tubes.
Obviously pointless deskwork and frequent sync meetings that always include non technical stakeholders.
Everyone sleeps on wonky old futons that haven’t been properly maintained.
Food deserts.
Everyone lives in old non sound insulated krushchevkas with loud neighbours.
The landscape is an infinitely repeated template of an excessively concretised city.
Constant warm overcast weather with high humidity and still wind.
Everyone is always slightly sleep deprived.
The water is always slightly too chlorinated and it doesn’t evaporate.
I have so many ideas!
Constant slight cheese and urea smell.
One of your nostrils is always stuffed. They switch regularly.
The only available tea is British. (sorry I hate bland black tea and bergamot)
No hot meals.
All cuttlery is either sporks or Korean chopsticks.
All cooking knives are dull.
The only available cooking methods are microwaves with dead zones and induction stoves with long cycles.
Spices are forbidden.
Everyone is left handed with specifically right handed tools.
Everyone has ADHD. Medication is unavailable.
Light itch that moves.
Everyone needs glasses. They’re always greasy and the correction is slightly off.
Everyone has a small bladder and there are always queues in front of restrooms. That might explain the smell.
Everyone is on a sliding/rolling schedule.
Non skipable ads are backed in physical objects.
Shoes are all a size off.
No matter how often you cut your fingernails, they are always just too long and there is always dirt under them.
One of the keys of your password to start the computer doesn’t work, but it’s always a different one each time.
Every time you want to take a nap, there’s a leaf blower starting under your window.
All gum sold has been chewed already
You saw that cord you needed yesterday and now you can’t find it in any drawer or closet.
Tomorrow you need a different cord to perpetuate the cycle.
You’re very tired nodding off and keep rereading the same page of a book over and over
You can never seem to remember where you parked your car and you wander a parking garage for eternity
The soap dispenser is always nearly empty, but squirts just enough to be useful if you pump it a bunch.
The faucet has some sort of sensor and it takes you at least five attempts of waving your hands in front of it before a faint stream of water comes out… for 0.1 seconds.
in heck you have to travel everywhere by car. and there’s always traffic.
just woke up and want to brush your teeth? that’s gonna be a 15 minute drive to the bathroom. watching tv and want to take a break to get a snack? 20 minute drive to the kitchen. want to go to the supermarket to pick up some more milk? 40 minute drive, round trip.
idk man it just sounds like America
And the car’s stereo is broken.
the stereo is stuck on the christian rock station. even worse.
Every toilet clogs and overflows the water
No email or chat. All work communication are through scheduled face to face meetings.
The first circle of heck is for people who listen to media in public without headphones. They shall walk through life with lots of AV media available to them, but the soundtrack never matches the video.
The second circle of heck is for the people who take up two parking spaces. They are damned to a place where they all have shittier cars than everyone else forever.
The third circle of heck is for people who pull fire alarms as pranks. They may live their lives as normal, except sometimes a loud noise will happen and they will be taken outside the building and drowned with a fire hose for awhile. Forever.
The fourth circle of heck is for programmers who don’t document their code. They will be stranded in a country whose language they have no way of learning.
The fifth circle of heck is for Toyota engineers. For the sin of putting the oil filter directly underneath the exhaust manifold, they shall have the skin of the back of their hands blowtorched off a few times a day, every day.
The sixth circle of heck is for the people who just can’t get out of the way at the grocery store. All of the delicious food they could ever want is buried 5 miles deep, and they are equipped with oven mitts on their hands for digging.
The seventh circle of heck is for people who modify their cars to have loud exhausts, get a dog that barks at all hours of the day, etc. They live normal lives, but they can hear the Sun.
Holy fuck, that last one is evil. Totally deserved.
Also, I’m reminded of Billy Joel’s “Blonde Over Blue”
In hell there’s a big hotel
where the bar just closed and the windows never open
no phone so you can’t call home
And the TV works, but the clicker is broken
Giving me Hotel California vibes
You can never get rid of that last dribble of poo
Coldplay on repeat with a scratched CD burner from a low 96k bitrate MP3.
If you go, if you go
And leave me down here on my own
Then I’ll wait for you, yeahWe’re in Heck, not in Heaven
Freak.
You have to use AI as an intermediary to speak to anyone.
Every time you eat something, some food getd stuck in your teeth and you can’t get it out for hours.
Washing dishes, the cloth is always dirty
Every time you undo your seatbelt, the belf doesn’t retract properly and you have to fiddle with it for ages, if you try getting out of the car you just get tangled in it
You can only use an old sponge that can’t hold water anymore
