Edit
After reading all the responses below and receiving much helpful advice, I reflected on my hesitance of getting medical help. I realized I didn’t want to feel like I “gave up”. I come from a poor family of immigrants and my parents sacrificed a lot for me to have an opportunity, so when I’m discussing these mental problems I face with loved ones, there’s always a suggestive undertone of being unappreciative(remember your parents slaved away doing manual labor jobs so you could complain about your comfy, well paid office job)
I now realize my own happiness/fulfillment is my responsibility, public opinion be damned. Thank you all. I will seek help ASAP
Double edit
I’m on strattera(atomoxetine) now. It’s helped me focus my thoughts a lot more.
Original:
Not sure if this is typical or not but it perplexes me to no end. I’ve always struggled with remembering things, decision paralysis, bad sleeping patterns, interpersonal relationships(appearing distant), mood swings of joy and apathy(high peaks and low valleys), addictive personality traits(coffee/nicotine/alcohol). But on a good day I can do the work of a whole team. I’ve often spearheaded entire projects solo from concept to design to implementation. Despite a very rough start in my early adult life and after getting tired from most jobs for petty things like disagreements or tardiness, I’ve been solid for about 7 years. I’ve learned to communicate effectively without getting emotional, how to manage relationships, how to work around the difficulties of my ADHD, I’ve turned my skills into a well paying career and can politic with the best of them. My son was diagnosed and I never was because Hispanics don’t believe in ADHD(“everyone has those problems, you just need to manage xyz better”)
I’ve tried to explain my patterns to loved ones in hopes of feeling understood but even those closest to me say it’s all mental. I feel like no one understands. I’ve been called brilliant/highly intelligent many times but have been told I need to apply myself. I feel like it’s both a strength and a weakness.
Anyways, I have health coverage now and am scared of prescription medicines. Not sure if I should just keep braving on towards my future without getting some sense of closure. I believe my father is also on the spectrum because he has always embodied all the symptoms (irregular sleep, obsession with pet projects, irregular moods, difficulty managing relationships/being empathetic/sympathetic, etc).
I hate being told that I’m not trying hard enough when it feels like I need to keep double the pace of everyone else just to be on par. Should I start allowing myself to be disagreeable? Maybe call bs what it is and not dance around it so much? Should I seek treatment? Should I keep quiet and bite down on the rag?
Sorry for the rant. No one seems to understand.
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Not sure if you can use this to explain it to them, but I’ve always liked this:
A true ELI5 on how this actually affects people is ‘ICNU’: Interest, Challenge, Novelty, and Urgency. If something doesn’t meet one of those four categories, someone with ADHD just isn’t going to be able to do it. Let’s use doing the dishes as an example–is it interesting? Not even slightly. Challenging? Not really. Novel? Nah. Urgent? Not yet–but once that person with ADHD actually needs clean dishes, then it gets done, because it now meets one of those four criteria. In that sense, putting things off until the very last second is essentially a coping mechanism for ADHD, rather than a symptom of it itself.
Source (I know): https://www.reddit.com/r/explainlikeimfive/comments/o5bojv/eli5_how_adhd_affects_adults/
I also like this one:
Have you ever walked into a room and suddenly forgotten what exactly it was that you went in there for? It seems to be a phenomenon that most people can empathize with. Now imagine that same thing happening but with practically everything you do. If I put the oven on and don’t keep my focus consciously on the cooking - say I go into the other room to grab something - chances are high I’ll just totally forget I ever put the oven on until I smell something burning. If something catches my attention as I’m getting out of my car in a parking lot I might end up leaving the keys in the unlocked vehicle and not realizing until I get back out of the store (that’s happened more than once). If my boss gives me a task and I don’t immediately write it down on the list I keep beside me, I will forget in an instant not only what it was I was asked to do, but that I was even ever asked to do something in the first place. In a way it’s like having a faulty short term memory.
If you’ve ever seen the Matt Smith episodes of Doctor Who - the villains called “The Silence” are an incredibly accurate analogy for what ADD is like for me. They are terrifying creatures but if you look away from them even for an instant, you forget they were ever there.
I realize this just makes me sound flighty or spacey to a fault, which I guess in a way is what ADD is. I think everyone exists on a spectrum of attention. For most people the odd flighty moment is the norm - the walking into a room and forgetting what you were going in there for, or the driving home from work and realizing you can’t recall the drive at all - but ADD sufferers are at the much more extreme end of this spectrum
Source: https://www.reddit.com/r/explainlikeimfive/comments/2eh7ca/eli5_what_exactly_is_adhd/
Thanks, that’s pretty helpful. I’ll save that because there are a lot of useful comments. I feel like my brain is an operating system with a highly powerful processor but it has a defect where it accidentally kills processes.
My wife is very much like you. She lived a hard, misunderstood life, noone in her family believing there’s anything wrong. She had troubles in school too, but she was able to get two master degrees. In Eastern Europe, there is no ADHD, you just didn’t get enough beating as a child. In the last few years, she also had issues at work, being called unfocused, that she talked too loud and too much, didn’t try hard enough, but, like yourself, managed huge projects for corporations with tremendous success.
We got our kids diagnosed a few years ago, and all have ADHD (also dyslexia, tics, ASD). When we learned our kids have ADHD, my wife also got diagnosed, and it’s textbook perfect for her. Very high “score” for ADHD. She got on medication (Ritalin), and, in her words, it changed her life.
She did have to adjust the medication through trial and error, going up and down in dosage until she found the perfect spot (I believe 25mg x2 a day) and even learned that when it’s that time of the month she needs 5mg more than usual.
She can now sit for a movie or dinner with family, can remember stuff without a calendar, and even started going to interviews to go back to work after a long break. She is now part of a couple online ADHD communities talking with others like her and finding people that are not yet convinced they need to get diagnosed and /or medicated on Slowly.
She still obsesses about random stuff for days or weeks and then just switches focus to a new obsession, but hey :)
Thanks … I totally understand the “didn’t get enough beatings” part. I had a hard time until I got into things I liked such as computers, playing instruments, etc. Once I started to work on things that interested me it was magical.
You sound like a very sweet, caring husband. I can tell you love your family dearly. Thanks for your kind words/support
Everything you’ve said here and in your OP is me; I’m on small amounts of Ritalin now (I have to micromanage how much I can take due to cost here before I can return to a cheap place!). Please go get seen and prescribed something, you’ll be so happy you did.
Sounds familiar… I have been using a pill cutter to make my 10mg pills into quarters, so I’m taking roughly 2.5mg each time which really helps. I will get more pills later in the month so I can experiment to see how much of a difference there is between 2.5 and 5 (or more), but even 2.5 has such a marked difference on my alertness, concentration and behaviour.
It’s very annoying that ADHD is badly portrayed in media constantly. So unless you’re the hyperactive type, then people won’t believe you. Try to explain to them that hyperactivity is just one symptom of ADHD and not everyone has that symptom. The main symptom is a disorder of the executive functions of the brain. I heard an ADHD researcher once say that ADHD is misnamed, it’s not a lack of “attention” it’s a lack of “intention”. We “intend” to do things, but we can’t correctly follow throw with the executive decisions necessary to make it happen, or make it happen on time.
Unfortunately even hyperactivity is misrepresented. My mom was far to the hyperactive side, but when an adult woman can’t make herself shut up and just needs to get out of the house at least once a day or she loses her dang mind, people don’t see adhd, they see a hot mess who’s just too impulsive.
Yeah it’s a fact that women are severely under diagnosed. If they’re hyperactive, like you said, they get written off as flighty and impulsive, and if they aren’t the hyperactive type they get written off at spacey and ditsy. My partner works for a company whose stated goal is to bring medical care to underserved or ignored communities and one of the 3 services they offer is “ADHD management for adult women” because its so pervasive that they go undiagnosed.
Once I have thought about doing it, it’s checked off in my head.
I have kind of learned how to roll with just not being able to do the things you want to do, like clean, I hate it though.
if you can afford a therapist, get one, especially one that specializes in ADHD
Are you formally diagnosed? If you had a formal diagnosis from a doctor then that’s something you could point at to your family members.
I haven’t yet no, but I highly suspect it. And a lot of my teachers in school told my parents I had ADHD/some form of autism but they brushed that off because they thought it meant there was something wrong with me or that they were suggesting I was incapable. Not sure where to start really. Do I go to a primary care doctor who refers me to a specialist? I haven’t had health insurance for most of my life, so I’m not sure how this works.
As someone who grew up in similar enough circumstances (though prior to the symptoms being collectively named, much less medications being created for it), please hear me out: this is entirely about your own health and as an intimately personal matter, you don’t owe anyone an explanation; who you share your struggles with is completely up to you — and should include a professional counselor whom you feel comfortable with, IMHO. If my experience has taught me anything, it’s that those I’d be better off sharing my victories with are also those that would be there when I stumble, if that makes sense.
To answer your question directly, I would begin with your primary care physician and ask for a referral for general mental health (to help ensure it’s covered by your insurance), but you don’t have to tell the referring PCP anything more than you think you might benefit from someone with an expert ear. The counselor you meet with would be better suited to help guide you to the right specialist and might even get you set up with a prelim exam to clarify what it is you’re challenged with (documenting it and, best case, helping the next one to better understand — without you having to go over everything again and again).
Thanks. I have some time off I need to take this month, so I’ll try to get that sorted. Haven’t found a PCP yet in my area, so I need to start there and hope that they refer me to someone who can see me in a timely manner. I feel like I need to start understanding how my brain works under the hood so I can move towards goals instead of going against the current.
What does it feel like to be on prescription medication? I’ve heard rhetoric that it’s basically meth (not that I know, but that the effects on the brain are similar) without any of the chemicals that give you euphoria. I’m afraid that it will render me a zombie or that I’ll lose a sense of identity or the tenacity/creative spark which fuels me. Are those fears irrational? Are those things I should discuss with a counselor?
I’m afraid that it will render me a zombie or that I’ll lose a sense of identity or the tenacity/creative spark which fuels me.
It makes mine better, I don’t lose anything except my inability to do things; my concentration goes up and I can focus, it’s so much better for my creativity as it feels it has unlocked.
My only experience is with methylphenidate (the generic term for Ritalin), but I’ve not found anything like that personally.
In fact, I’d say I’ve felt more like myself and able to actively choose what I do than I was. This is related to also working through depression, but getting medicated has allowed me to much more often weigh up long term goals like exercise vs stimulating activities like video games and make an actual choice. Before, almost every such time I’d default to the stimulation because it took all my willpower for the day not to.Do the generics work exactly the same as Ritalin? I assume so because they’re chemically the same, but just wanted to ask as the prescription filler is not responding to me at the moment.
Those are not only rational fears, but completely within the normal range for such a stigmatized and often-misunderstood perspective. In the same stroke, however, it’s also based on incomplete information and as a lens offers no pragmatic consolation.
Looking at your own challenges that way is less than helpful, so let’s get on the constructive path, instead: in the decades since the acronym was coined and that Rx boogeyman loomed over every kid that was even slightly unruly, fidgety, bored (or gods forbid had a super favorite thing they knew absolutely everything about to the seeming exclusion of much else), there have been incredible breakthroughs in the development of medications for and the overall understanding of neurodivergent components. I, for one, have worked my way through over half a dozen in the last decade alone, in guided attempts to fine tune my prescriptions to the challenges specific to my brain and life in general. In fact, the very first one I was prescribed was Adderall, and I absolutely hated it (except for the magic slimming effect, which was nice for the easy attention, if I’m being honest), so that didn’t last a month before I was asking my psychiatrist to find something else to try out.
There’s no reason to be afraid of getting professional help (ie. pharmaceutical) when you trust the pro behind the pen writing the Rx. A diagnosis is not a sentence hung around your neck, bogging you down for everyone else to sneer at. No, you’re on a path to wellness & self-betterment and you’ve already made the first key decision: asking for help. 🙌🏽 You deserve to be in your own corner, cheering yourself on from the inside, so take a minute to give yourself that much. You got this.
In the US you can at a primary care or a psychologist/psychiatrist. You can do it online as well, so don’t limit yourself to just what’s nearby. Schedule and appointment, ask about getting diagnosed, mention what teachers/others have said when they ask “why do you want to be diagnosed”.
Make a checklist of really small actions because the whole process can be a real slog with a lot of steps and paper work. Explore multiple options at the same time because sometimes you get a councilor that just isn’t helpful.
Even if your symptoms are obvious your primary care doc may be luke warm about it; don’t let that slow you down. Find someone that’ll take the concern seriously. Sometimes you have to be a bit of a bully; if you have uncertainty, even if you don’t have a well, -formed question, don’t let them walk out or end the call.
Other tips:
- don’t start with stimulants
- meds are a wheelchair not a silver bullet
- friends and family will take time (years/decades) to respect the diagnosis, and some will just never appreciate it
Should I start allowing myself to be disagreeable?
Only if you’re defending a system that works well for you.
Should I seek treatment?
Yes
Maybe call bs what it is and not dance around it so much?
Challenge them
- E.g. “that word doesn’t mean what you think it means”
- Look up a list of famous people/leaders who have ADHD, then ask them “so would you say X person has ADHD?” talk about that accomplished persons’ struggles
- Ask them about the symptoms, like if hyperfocus is a symptoms, or if someone can have ADHD while also having low energy
Once you make your point that that they actually have no idea what the clinical meaning is, immediately follow it up with “you wouldn’t tell someone in a wheel chair ‘just come upstairs, its easy, you’re just not trying hard enough’, so why do you do it for people with mental disabilities?”
Should I keep quiet and bite down on the rag?
Actually sometimes, unfortunately, yes. There’s going to be a lot of people that don’t understand or appreciate it, and trying to explain it to everyone can just make things harder. Family/friends, even some teachers are worth it, but at a first time interview with an employer it’s just not going to work. There will be lots of cases where you have to double down on your strengths to find a way that works. And yeah it sucks, you will often have to do twice or even 10x as much work for the same passing grade. The good news is lots of times doing 2x the work has other benefits, so not all is lost.
Quick note about trying meds: Try non-stimulants first. There’s a handful of different ones, and sometimes doc’s don’t even tell you they’re an option.
They’re not scary at all, the worst thing that could happen is they don’t work for you.You won’t risk addiction and generally they’re more mild in all effects. You can always start with low dosages. Once you setup a routine with stimulants though it’s very hard to go back.While everyone reacts to medications differently, there is actually one that I know from experience that you have to be a bit careful with. Intuniv, (generic: guanfacine) first developed for lowering high blood pressure, is often used as a non-stimulant.
Taking it for a couple of weeks tanked my BP to about 100/56, causing me to be a bit woozy and drunk-like. (not good for a tech working with HV or carrying around $10k+ test instruments) I eventually had stop it when I almost blacked out at work walking between desks and had to brace myself for a minute or two.
For any med, talk with your doctor and ask about the side-effects or contraindications. Don’t let them skip/rush through these. You always want to be aware if a drug is causing something potentially dangerous and you may also know something important that was missed when they took your history
ETA: I would still advise to try out non-stims first, as they are easier to get filled (no shortages) and can be less strain on your heart. Just be careful and keep you doctor in the loop with anything that seems odd
That’s a good point, I edited my comment since it was too broad. Thanks for the input!
Best example I’ve seen is ranking things by difficultly.
People with ADHD can put stuff like brushing teeth, getting a refund, or responding to emails higher on the list than homework assignments, running a marathon, or doing physical labor all day.
When you tell someone you’d fix their car and built a shed for them if they’d just do your laundry and fill out some paper work, they can’t say you’re lazy or “not applying yourself”. They have to wrestle with the fact that it must be truly difficult for you to do those things. I think that’s usually when they start appreciating that something is going on that’s beyond their base level understanding.
One thing that may convince them of the severity of it is the fact that extremely anti drug governments allow children to have stimulants with diagnosis.
And yeah medication isn’t for everyone, but I do encourage people to try and see if it’s for them. Non medication assistance may also be available but it’s far more mixed of a bag than medication is
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Saved and meant to get back to this.
Anyway, two books I highly recommend:
ADHD for Adults(because adult challenges can be quite different from childhood, and being diagnosed as an adult is a different experience). This book is largely about how to identify when ADHD is affecting you, and developing strategies to compensate.“Your Erroneous Zones” by Wayne Dyer. Early self-help book, but he’s introducing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in laymen’s terms (not even sure it was called CBT back then).
Thanks, I’ll check those out. I am on strattera(atomoxetine) now and it has helped a good bit.
If you don’t know of her, check out Jessica on How to ADHD.
She’s a riot, my ADHD friends/family say she really gets presenting to someone with ADHD, she holds their attention well.
One video is her Ted talk. Very moving (and funny, and insightful).
