I’ve had several conversations/arguments recently with my brother making clear my system of values and my hatred for the wealthy. He is nearly diametrically opposed on all accounts and often makes light of their actions. He goes so far as to say that poor people and people in need of social services should have to figure things out for themselves. He often defends Elon Musk and champions him for being self made.
He is getting married in a foreign country soon and I have been able to put aside our differences and have been planning on going
…up until yesterday that is. I asked him of his thoughts on Musk’s seig heil maneuver and he sent a right wing meme of democratic leaders caught mid wave, saying that “they did it first”. He continued to be avoidant and didn’t respond to me calling it a strawman.
In this moment it feels necessary to cancel my plans to send a message that this is not ok. Am I the (or an) asshole for not going to his wedding because of this?
Depends on how strongly you value your relationship with your brother. He may be a fuckwaffle, but he is your fuckwaffle. It’s big of you setting your differences aside. If you don’t go, and he means a lot to you outside of his political views, then you might regret not going. If you don’t really care for him and political ideology is more important then dont go. I think not going is kind of crossing the Rubicon, but I don’t know the situation part from your details
I think you’re the most correct person here.
OP, it’s your life and relationships. Of course people on the internet will tell you to pull the trigger on the nuclear option, because they don’t experience any of the fallout of you making a hardline decision.
I’m not saying go to the wedding. I’m just saying consider how it might affect your relationship with him and the rest of your immediate family and decide if that’s going to be a better situation overall, before acting.
“If 10 people sit on a table with a Nazi, there are 11 Nazis on that table”.
You are not the asshole.
That’s quite a strong table, holding 11 people
I cut my sister out of my life and didn’t go to her wedding for similar reasons. I don’t regret it one bit and it has helped my mental health tremendously. However, I didn’t do it to “teach her a lesson,” or “prove anything,” I did it so I could live with myself, and stay true to my values. We all only have limited time and energy on this planet, so think about the way you spend them and what’s most important to you. For me, my biological family is toxic. My chosen family is awesome.
I relate to this very strongly. And maybe it’s not an AITAH type question — I think of it as doing something for myself more than anything else. Sure I might lose relationships with family members but what will I gain emotionally and mentally? And will that outweigh the familial loss in the long run? … Lots to think about
Do you want the option to see your brother again? Mend bridges at some future point?
There are some things you can’t take back. I have a grandmother in law that skipped my wife and I’s wedding and we have not spoken to her since.
I don’t want right wing apologia in my life. I do not enjoy biting my tongue to avoid arguments. I understand why you wouldn’t either. But skipping a wedding is serious and maybe permanent damage to your relationship. If it will free you and leave you better off, don’t go. If you will regret it, probably go and do the best you can.
life is too short to voluntarily deal with fascists, blood relative or not. no reason to go. nta
This thread made me delete lemmy - bye
This family clearly has issues, most do.
The 20 posts suggesting to ditch your family to punish them instead of talking and expressing how it bothers you is where you lost me.
I guess this is how you create echo chambers. I disagree with the majority of the opinions here, and unlike family I have no motivation to keep listening to this.
Enjoy!
Perhaps I should clarify things even further:
They are actually already married and I was at their first wedding. It was done at the courthouse during the pandemic so they could initiate her greencard application. This upcoming wedding is more of a celebration for the families.
I have two other brothers who are not going for unrelated reasons.
Not that these facts necessarily change anything, I felt they’re worth bearing in mind.
That changes nothing. You need to decode whether you want your brother in your life and how much if the family ypu would want cutting off.
Didn’t read the post body. NTA.
No, it sounds like your brother is actually the asshole.
How far is the foreign country? Until I read that I was going to suggest you still go to the ceremony but leave as soon as the reception begins. That way you could prevent long term regrets but also didn’t have to see him.
With stuff like this, what matters is you. Showing up to your brother’s wedding is not some sort of approval of his beliefs. If being around him makes you upset, don’t go. If you feel like going will stop you from feeling guilty for not going later, then consider going.
That’s basically been what I’ve been telling my wife with regards to whether or not to cut her father off and/or write him a letter explaining what she is so upset about. It’s easy to get lost in the details about how you should act (both vengefully or peacefully), but what matters is your mental health. If really feel the need to stick it to him and skip it then skip it.
As for asshole stuff, I guess it depends what your responsibilities in the wedding are (if any). Like if you are the best man you’re expected to help out a good bit. It might be too late to switch. Or if they paid for you and can’t transfer it get a refund then that makes it shittier to not go.
This is tricky and I don’t have a good answer.
Show him you’re the bigger person, support him on this happy day, then be on with it. Not going to his wedding would not only make you the enemy. It’d also create hostility and he may be left thinking that your political beliefs drove you away and made you abandon your family. Don’t let some billionaire be the wedge in your relationship with your family.
Seems overly dramatic. I don’t think you’re an asshole, but somebody who should realize you don’t deradicalize your family by being emotionally unstable.
LOL. Elon is self made? Where did he get that from?
Did he conveniently forget mommy and daddy are rich from their emerald mine?
Self made means you don’t come from wealth and don’t have a support system to make you even more rich.
Your brother is a moron.
99.9% of these posts boil down to “should I do what I want with my own life?”
Yes, you should do what you want with your own life.
You can do whatever you want with your own life, but many of those things will make you an asshole.
The question posed is “will doing the thing I want to do make me an asshole”
Is being tolerant of assholes an asshole move?
Could be. Tolerance and assholes aren’t binary states, so it depends on the context what the measure is.
If someone intentionally steps on an ant at a funeral, and I decide I’m not going to let it slide and interrupt the eulogy to give an impassioned lecture about how needless killing is immoral, even if it’s an ant, I’d be an asshole.
If I saw some schoolyard bullies beating up a kid and I didn’t intervene I’d be an asshole.
That first example may just make you out to be an inconsiderate psychotic.
I think you’re well aware that small political differences shouldn’t get in the way of family and have worked to be tolerant in the past.
You’re not an asshole. You’re an adult. You shouldn’t do this lightly but if you’ve given this serious consideration you should follow your heart.
If you think literal Nazis being in charge of the country is a small political situation I’d love to hear what the big one is
